A few communiqués from a friend have got me thinking. She had been catching up on my blog and so touched on a few subjects. She and I have talked about in the past how we often feel different, like we don't always "fit." Those feelings have certainly been around the last couple of weeks, in particular. They come and go in intensity, but they have been a part of my life for a long time. Perhaps there is a new book for me to read which she mentions:
“Women Who Run With the Wolves”, by Dr. Clarissa Pinkola Estés.
My friend also writes - "In the book she's talking about our (women's) need to find our "wild" self. Wild meaning natural, as God created us to be with all the innate intuition and other spiritual gifts He intended us to have, but that our culture, etc. (especially in America, Western society) has put down. ... Beyond being Christian and "not of this world", much of what she writes gives me a better understanding of why I've always felt like I don't really "fit" often even with committed Christians whom I admire. I think I've always been a "wild" woman."
I like that about her, my friend, and I can relate! There is nothing wrong with the status quo. I enjoy many things in life from the creative side to the mundane (as I know I have talked about - see my labels "creativity"). But there are these "niggles" and a sense of adventure that keep rising to the surface. These thoughts that make me think, "I must be crazy!" and that buck the status quo. So much of the structure we live in seems artificial and forced. Am I an anarchist? NO. Boundaries are good and important in many areas and ways. However, I do think there is greater freedom than our structures allow.
Choosing to step out of some of those structures, does require some extra effort for community living which I do feel is quite important. But I want community which has no agenda, isn't forced or timed, and is truly enjoyed by everyone. Unfortunately, I feel that is very difficult to find within many structures we have set up in our culture. There is nothing wrong with the structures necessarily and if people find them satisfying - great!! For me, I'm left wanting. I'm not sure what the answer is, and I certainly would rather be part of a solution than just point out problems. Though it seems, there are only a few of us who don't really "fit." Perhaps that's the adventurous and/or creative side of me and I'm OK with that!
The image shown here is the completed puzzle of the "nine dots." The challenge is to connect the dots, yes, all of them, with only four straight lines. The catch is you can't lift your pencil from the puzzle. It's impossible to do without going beyond the confines of the "box."
My friend was also hopeful that she was not one of the "snooty" missionaries that I talked about in my post entitled OK, Let's Talk about It... I was surprised to see the word snooty and thought - did I really write that?! Sure enough!! Perhaps that was a bit brash and snooty of me! Sorry. As I think about it, it is possible to chalk up some of those past impressions to youthful over exuberance?! She gives her thoughts: "I, too, have had my struggles over folks' expectations but I'm still glad for the opportunities God provided for me to show His love and encourage a few people along the way. For the most part, the missionaries with whom I've worked have lived very graciously in the culture to which the Lord sent them. However, when I was in Greece working in Albania I had a couple of single, female missionaries impress me negatively... so much so that I told my mission director that I didn't want to continue on the mission field if that was how I would end up." Expectations are tough especially if we don't even know that we have them. I hope I continue to grow in grace.
Image by Dave Kawalec
