The Search for a Community

There are all kinds of community. A person might even be a part of a number of communities at one time. This particular activity of searching for a church community has never been my favorite. I'm not a good "shopper" in this regard. It takes so much time, but some group gatherings fit better than others so the effort can be worth it.
We've tried four different groups, two more extensively. We have decided on the church we went to first. I was going to write "we have settled on..." but I want to write about this process in a more positive light! Going back to church has not been high on my priority list. I've been rather disappointed by the last two communities I've gone to. One of those churches I attended for three and a half years. That length of time and other factors made my disappointment quite profound.
Nevertheless, intellectually I have always been convinced of the need and potential blessing of community life. But my emotional response has been clouded by the hurt and subsequent disillusionment which occurred within the confines of this structure. People are people, which includes the possibility of hurt. The blessing and disappointment comes from the same source.
I love God and that has never changed. I also realize the church will never change. The potential for good and bad will always be there.

Today I shall…

…try to remember to be considerate of anyone who has any time been of help to me, even though his later actions might have been hostile.

-Rabbi Abraham J. Twerski
“Growing Each Day, Adar 10" Aish.com

"Then I encountered Rabbi Twerski’s commentary for yesterday and it occurred to me that many of us have been 'throwing stones in the well from which we drank.'"

(The above quote and comment came from a blog I read - Morning Meditations. This particular post is "Throwing Stones.")

I had to realize I'd been throwing stones as well. A lot of good in me came out of attending the church or churches I once did. This is what I need to focus on regarding the past and the future. It's still a struggle as I head off to church each week but it's easier than it once was. Plus, as mentioned, I am convinced of the need for community life for everyone, including me! We need people in our lives because we are made for relationship. I know that life is not full when I delve into my isolationist tendencies. I choose to move forward rather than retreat.

On the Lighter Side? Not so much but...

I had wanted my next post be a little lighter in nature. I even looked on youtube for something that might be funny and light. Either it was my mood or my sense of humor, but nothing really struck me as all that great. After that attempt, in my regular reading, I came across the following and found it quite applicable. Sorry, I wouldn't say it's light but hopefully uplifting. In the end, I found it hopeful and comforting.

“Some people like to regard themselves as 'realists.' You may have heard someone say, 'I'm not a pessimist, I'm a realist.' Maybe you have said that yourself. I have. The inference is that an optimistic person is not realistic. Accordingly, the only honest and correct way to view the world is to point out the deficiencies, difficulties and inevitable failures.”

This quote took me up short a bit as I have often described myself as a realist rather than an optimist. I've never thought of myself as a pessimist. Either way, I ended up saying, “Uh oh!” The document goes on to say the person with this realist attitude is a naysayer, one who ignores the positive, emphasizes the negative to such a degree that even words of encouragement are irritating; and they're cynical people. It continues with:

“The optimist says the cup is half full. The pessimist says the cup is half empty. The man of faith gives thanks that the cup is half full, and he marvels that God will either make the half cup sufficient to meet his need or miraculously refill the cup.”

I do want to be a “faith full” person. My current financial situation is what it is. There is nothing I can do to change it. Even though I was surprised by this turn of events, God wasn't surprised. The matter will be settled and I will move on into the future. God is there too! I trust him. I'm sad at times over the loss, and there are significant changes due to it. However, it's not the end of the world and I've learned valuable lessons! 


Document quote out of a reading from one of First Fruits of Zion publications.

Bumps Can Hurt

Today it is important to write about that for which I'm thankful. I suppose it's appropriate also because it's Thanksgiving week, if not the day! But why I need to write has nothing to do with the holiday, rather it's a choice to be grateful through setbacks in life. I've cried today. I've been angry. I've wanted to rage that - it's NOT fair. The past is haunting me so to speak but that's just it - it's the past. I can't do anything about it, make different decisions or put safeguards in place. I didn't do anything wrong although perhaps a few decisions I should have researched more. Some of the repercussions now are due to decisions made by others, totally out of my control. The affects are financial.

I could be an ostrich about the whole thing. I'm not above that! Although I have to say that in the long run, I've found it not all that helpful. What I need to remember is - it's only money. Really! Do I feel that perhaps my security for the future is a little shaken? If I'm honest, yes. But practically speaking it's impossible for me to secure my future. I have no idea what's coming, good or bad. My provision and stability really come from God.

So I choose to be thankful. I'm so thankful I have Brian to help me find my way through this; my home and food on the table are not threatened. I'm also thankful for sunshine; laughter; a lazy day; great food, conversation and friends. There is also that amazing, wonderful, comfort drink - coffee, which can be deliciously shared with a friend or sipped slowly in the quiet of the morning. Of course I'm so grateful that Brian asked me to marry him because he's a keeper! Life is good. As I've said before the adventure of life can have twists and turns, bumps and tunnels. I guess I'm just a little surprised they'd happen so soon. Silly me! :)

In Times of Jetlag

As I begin writing this, it's about a quarter to eight in the morning. I've already been awake for over 3.5 hours. I saw the time on that clock come and go. Trust me, these are not my typical hours!! The house is cold because the heater isn't programmed to come on yet. I've watched the sky grow bright and the neighborhood slowly come to life. Usually I watch the surrounding area shut down for the night rather than separately share with them a cup of very early morning coffee.

Often Brian is up at these wee hours of the morning but that is because he has yet to be able to go to sleep. Besides being negatively affected by cold weather, this inability to sleep is another aspect of the Gulf War Syndrome for him. I can't imagine. :( Although, thankfully, he has been able to sleep fairly well these past couple of nights.

As I deal with jetlag, these past few mornings have been very quiet and reflective. There certainly is no rush to move into the day since it really hasn't started (except on the east coast or in Europe)! Thoughts, prayers and activities take on a different tone or quality in the early hours for me. I feel settled, peaceful and also the longings for continued adventure, inspiration and growth come more easily to the forefront. Perhaps those feelings could be viewed as the antithesis of being settled and at peace. They don't feel opposite to me. I think it is because I feel settled, safe that I can allow those feelings to surface. I love the mixture; it's exhilarating! The questions or longings don't need closure for me, meaning - what is the adventure? What will happen in the future? I love it all because it's a hunger that keeps me looking, investigating and hopeful. How can I be disappointed in life since I'm actively participating in it?! I do expect tunnels, bumps and sharp curves along the road but...!

Stepping Outside of the Box

OK, if you like coffee, you might want to go get a cup because this could be a long one!
A few communiqués from a friend have got me thinking. She had been catching up on my blog and so touched on a few subjects. She and I have talked about in the past how we often feel different, like we don't always "fit." Those feelings have certainly been around the last couple of weeks, in particular. They come and go in intensity, but they have been a part of my life for a long time. Perhaps there is a new book for me to read which she mentions:  

“Women Who Run With the Wolves”, by Dr. Clarissa Pinkola Estés. 

My friend also writes - "In the book she's talking about our (women's) need to find our "wild" self. Wild meaning natural, as God created us to be with all the innate intuition and other spiritual gifts He intended us to have, but that our culture, etc. (especially in America, Western society) has put down. ... Beyond being Christian and "not of this world", much of what she writes gives me a better understanding of why I've always felt like I don't really "fit" often even with committed Christians whom I admire. I think I've always been a "wild" woman."

I like that about her, my friend, and I can relate! There is nothing wrong with the status quo. I enjoy many things in life from the creative side to the mundane (as I know I have talked about - see my labels "creativity"). But there are these "niggles" and a sense of adventure that keep rising to the surface. These thoughts that make me think, "I must be crazy!" and that buck the status quo. So much of the structure we live in seems artificial and forced. Am I an anarchist? NO. Boundaries are good and important in many areas and ways. However, I do think there is greater freedom than our structures allow.

Choosing to step out of some of those structures, does require some extra effort for community living which I do feel is quite important. But I want community which has no agenda, isn't forced or timed, and is truly enjoyed by everyone. Unfortunately, I feel that is very difficult to find within many structures we have set up in our culture. There is nothing wrong with the structures necessarily and if people find them satisfying - great!! For me, I'm left wanting. I'm not sure what the answer is, and I certainly would rather be part of a solution than just point out problems. Though it seems, there are only a few of us who don't really "fit." Perhaps that's the adventurous and/or creative side of me and I'm OK with that!

The image shown here is the completed puzzle of the "nine dots." The challenge is to connect the dots, yes, all of them, with only four straight lines. The catch is you can't lift your pencil from the puzzle. It's impossible to do without going beyond the confines of the "box."

My friend was also hopeful that she was not one of the "snooty" missionaries that I talked about in my post entitled OK, Let's Talk about It... I was surprised to see the word snooty and thought - did I really write that?! Sure enough!! Perhaps that was a bit brash and snooty of me! Sorry. As I think about it, it is possible to chalk up some of those past impressions to youthful over exuberance?! She gives her thoughts: "I, too, have had my struggles over folks' expectations but I'm still glad for the opportunities God provided for me to show His love and encourage a few people along the way. For the most part, the missionaries with whom I've worked have lived very graciously in the culture to which the Lord sent them. However, when I was in Greece working in Albania I had a couple of single, female missionaries impress me negatively... so much so that I told my mission director that I didn't want to continue on the mission field if that was how I would end up." Expectations are tough especially if we don't even know that we have them. I hope I continue to grow in grace.


Image by Dave Kawalec

OK, Let's Talk about It...

Let's face it, we all have impressions or stereotypes of certain vocations. Sometimes I don't even realize I have them until I'm face with an apparent contradiction.

Now...the missionary stereotype, I have been a missionary and I've heard the spontaneous gasp followed by the hand covering mouth because I said something "unmissionary" like. (Unfortunately, I can't remember the specifics anymore.) Or, there was the surprised, raised eyebrow look when I accepted a glass of wine. Of course, if they thought I shouldn't have any wine then why offer it!? Even though I'm no longer in that field, if someone learns of my background it seems (at times) that there are still certain expectations. Nothing is said but... Honestly, I hope that I do not conform to the stereotype in any way, shape or form. In the past, when a missionary I secretly enjoyed it if I shot holes in someone's picture of a REAL missionary.

So what do I think is the picture of missionary? Well, a little crazy, if the truth be told! (Missionaries are all about telling the truth, you know!!)  Or, at least weird like a geek but in a "spiritual" way, holier than thou, maybe even snooty in that regard. Lastly, they're not very real - no one you could easily relate to. Perhaps that's a little on the mean side, but at least someone who is a bit odd. After all, who does that kind of thing? And you can't talk to them about real life stuff!

If my impressions are wrong, I'm very open to hearing about it!

I think I'm quite real. My language isn't perfect, in fact, some words seem very appropriate at times! I'm not that into churches - not that I think they are bad either, but they aren't always the best answer. I want a sense of community or family in my life, people who will support and challenge me regarding my thoughts and actions. Unfortunately, many churches don't really have that kind of everyday community life. Thankfully, I don't have an "aura" of spirituality about me, but hopefully people think I'm nice! It's the little things in life. I love what Alejandro said in the Mask of Zorro, "I'm in search of the miraculous in everyday life." So I get out and live life!  I love it, but wish my knees were more inclined to the adventure of it!!

Anticipation

There has been a comment that this blog has been rather quiet lately. It's true! This means one of two things, generally speaking. The first - I'm processing something so I don't know what to write yet or it's too overwhelming to try and get it down in black and white. The second - I'm down and don't have the energy to write. April has been more of the first and a bit of the second.
I can tell you this, I'm feeling restless. The fall brought undetermined stirrings; January brought a couple new research directions, and April an acknowledgement of restlessness. All in all, a good progression and I think I need to fasten my seatbelt because it seems a new adventure is about to ensue.
I think the biggest thing I'm learning at the moment is to live in the moment. Brian is much better at this than I am. For some aspects of life, I like knowing the major direction for down the road a couple of years! Then that affects decisions in the present. But if I don't know the plan then I (unnecessarily) handicap myself in present day decision making, i.e. purchases - Do I look for a piece of furniture that we need for this house? Because I don't know if we'll be in this house. Silly I suppose and I put myself in limbo - no one else. I don't know how to live in limbo because I'm not in the present or the future!
I love a good roller coaster. When I'm riding one, I'm never anticipating the curve and drop that's a 100 yards away. Rather, I'm fully experiencing the curve, twist and turn I'm on by being jostled about, holding on and screaming with delight! I've always said I love a good adventure which by nature means I'm never sure what's coming up! Here I go enjoying the anticipation and excitement while living fully in the present!!

A New Beginning

So how is the new year treating you so far? Until today it's been all about people for me, getting caught up mostly, relaxing and enjoying quality time with someone each day. Today, though, I'm lying low because a cold is trying to majorly take hold. I will fight the good fight!! (When I'm sick I don't feel like drinking coffee so this morning it's tea!)
I glanced back at my blog and noticed an October posting about 'stirrings'. It is interesting the different times that God has for us in life. '08 - more emotional healing. '09 - I was sick. '10 - appreciating and learning to walk in greater freedom. Now there is '11. I'm ready to move forward into new things. I have a couple of ideas that I will be researching of a more business like nature. Although in the end, I hope they will set up a relatively passive type income. Nothing big but over the years there will be a some extra money. No get rich quick scheme here! I'm pleased that it seems time to focus on some other things even if they might not pan out as I hope. Who knows what will turn up along the journey!
In the realm of spiritual connections, I guess I'm still in the waiting mode. It's not something that one can force! I still do dream about a group of people connected and walking through life together, like in the book I've mentioned earlier. Well, the new year stretches before us. God is at work. Looking forward to seeing how it all unfolds!

Wide-eyed Wonder

OK, seriously it's been a REALLY long time since I blogged! I checked out a new blog to me - Emma's Adventures . It's a child's blog so her mom "helps" her out a bit! Quite delightful though as we try to see life through a child's eyes. I wouldn't want to go back in time if you paid me but there is still something of that era worth holding on to. What wide-eyed wonder and enthusiasm! Total abandonment and focus on whatever they are doing.
Me - I can get so distracted. Sometimes it feels like there are a million things running through my head. Nothing much that is profound or probably of any great substance either. Nonetheless, it flits through and I'm distracted, and if anyone were to ask me what some of that stuff was... Well, at this stage of my life who can remember!!
I think guys can generally be more focused than women. As Brian puts it, it can be like ripping velcro to peel him off something he's really focused on to bring his attention to something else! However, male or female, as adults we could embrace a bit more wide-eyed wonder and enthusiasm. At least I could. There is a lot to jade us in life or even just the mundane to bury us in survival mode. Take time for a cup of coffee with a friend! (A shameless promotion of my favorite beverage!) A beautiful sunset (rarely can I enjoy a sunrise - it's before my coffee!) Or take a bit from Emma - put everything aside and do something creative. She likes to paint. And of course there is the joy of a new pair of shoes!! You get the idea! :-)

A Time of Promise

It's been a few days of gray, rain and relative cold. Now today the sun is out and I feel new promise inside. Sometimes I wonder if I would really catch these stirrings in me if I weren't writing, checking in with myself.
There has been a lot of changes in my life the past couple of years - by-in-large very positive! Let's see, a brief list: I got married, moved, got sick (for a year), marched into menopause, left the church I'd been attending for 5 years (still no settling somewhere else) and started a business (now a bit in limbo). My life's "routine" is difficult to pin down and there are aspects that seem to be in "no man's land" that is to say they are unfinished. I'm in the midst of an adventure where it's logical to imagine both blahness and the feelings of hope and promise exist, especially for a woman going through menopause! :)
Today is a good day as everyday is - I'm just able to see it better and experience it more fully in that way! It's OK to be blah. I like this better, though. I just want to be faithful through it all. The promise is before me and I'm moving forward.

Update Report

It's true; I wouldn't say I feel like I did on Wednesday. The blahness is not so acute. No big drive to do something either. Painting has been put aside for the time being, and yet I know when it gets done it will be such a huge relief!
My car still hasn't sold yet. We do so hope to get a good price for it, but as time goes by... In any case, we will see what the Lord has for us. We've had a couple of nibbles but they have changed their minds (for different reasons) even before seeing the car. :(
We also started a 6 week Bible study at a new church. We have moved on from the one we used to attend so a new adventure awaits us. I enjoyed the first meeting and getting to know a few people. We're still not sure exactly where the Lord is leading us but no matter what I look forward to this first step and the people He'll bring across our path.

Blah

There have been some very positive posts, some just informative and others somewhat reflective. You should also know there are very blah days, as well. This is one of them so instead of not writing because there isn't anything 'exciting' to write - I'm letting you know it's a day of blahness (new word) and lack of motivation. After all, you experience days like these, don't you? I guess if you don't - don't tell me! That might slip my blah days to the depression side.
My house is still half painted and let me tell you I am BORED with the painting of molding in particular. I could paint but there again that lack of motivation is kicking in or rather blanketing any desire. I love the results of fresh paint although...at the moment...
General cleaning is needed as we are having guests this weekend, however,...
I did walk over 2 miles today but...
I really think this is a day for the sun, reading and playing! No, probably not with any gusto because I'm too blah, nevertheless...
It is absolutely gorgeous outside, I have to say. That really helps on days like these. I'm so thankful God continually gives us a new day, new possibilities, and the potential for a new outlook! I don't have to be stuck or resigned to anything. Tomorrow is a new day!

A Day of Rest

Having been a Christian most of my life or for that matter having grown up in America it seems the concept of a day of rest has always been a part of my existence - the concept not necessarily the reality!
At different points in my life I have tried to implement the concept and take one day a week for 'rest.' Maybe I did a good job maybe I didn't, I don't remember. But I think what's changed now is my idea of work, what it means to rest and why it's a good idea. Subconsciously I think I've found it difficult to completely take time off. "Oh, I can put in a load of laundry. That doesn't take much effort - the machine does most of the work!" Or, because I had slowed down enough in one day I looked around at the cleaning that was needed and thought, "Well, now I have time to do some of that!" Those examples are just a glimpse into my thought processes. With this thinking I could still be productive somehow. It's amazing to me how much "being productive" can drive me, even in little ways. It's sad how that productivity gives me value, in my mind anyway.
I mentioned on Labor Day weekend I did not do one job or task at all on Sunday. The day was a matter of rest and people. Realizing how I had to fight the urge to do "a little something" I decided to really take a day and not do any projects big or small, no errands, or "accomplishments". I'm trying to continue this (without legalism creeping in!). It's only been a short while but I want this to last. For me, it doesn't matter what day I take off, although it usually is either Saturday or Sunday depending on plans. Rest is important and I'm valuable whether I produce or accomplish something or not.
I'm not writing to guilt anyone. I am just personally trying to fight my performance based love concept. God doesn't love me that way, based on what I do. So why should I love myself that way!?

Niggles!?

I very rarely post at the end of a day but there were some impressions I'd like to get down on 'paper'. I was reading (yes, I'm reading books again!) before turning out the light. Although really I was half reading and half reflecting on the day. It had been a quiet, people oriented day with absolutely no productive effort of any kind! So I guess I did have at least one unproductive day this Labor Day weekend. I had thought about 3 different projects or tasks to do but decided against all of them in the end.
It was a wonderful day and while reading / reflecting one of those elusive feelings played at the recesses of my consciousness or maybe I should say it was a niggling in my spirit. It's like a hunger for something, a curiosity, a realization that something is missing but not in a way that causes regret or disappointment rather hopeful anticipation. That feeling is never overpowering and could be passed over without really realizing it's there. For me it is one of the ways that I would describe how God draws me. There was nothing specific about what might be coming, if something was coming or what I should do! Probably because I would only take it over and try to control everything! I must say it's a sweet feeling, leaves me wanting more and yet satisfied in a way. Plus, I do want to live in a way that allows the Lord to direct me on a daily basis so I appreciate the niggling!

Labor Day Weekend

I guess we are taking Labor Day Weekend more literally then it is intended. It's supposed to be a break from our work life. Being 'retired' we 'work' on our own schedule! This weekend we are setting our efforts on painting. There have been projects around the house just waiting for our attention. Brian shouldn't be around paint fumes so he's painting the deck railing, trellis and will stain the deck. Lots of fresh air for him. I'm on the inside trying to finish off (hopefully) the parts that have not been touch yet since we moved in. It's quite a process but we are making progress!
As I was painting today, taking the project in sections, it made me think about how the Lord deals with me and my interior house. Thankfully He hasn't stripped it down to bare bones to make it look fresh and presentable. That would be pretty tough and difficult to survive since so much would have to be ripped out. He is merciful and does me in sections! First the prep work so nothing around the area to be worked on doesn't get damaged. Then layer by layer or coat by coat the old fades away and He has rebuilt, brought new color, and has made that dilapidated section of me beyond presentable!

Processing!

As mentioned before, I'm not an external processor. So why do I blog? Good question! I do enjoy writing and it can help me to put thoughts and feelings into words because I force myself to get it down in black and white. Although as I look at August's postings, I don't see many!!
Life this month has been relatively status quo, but honestly (as revealed by my lack of postings) I think I've been in major inward processing mode due to this financial setback. Naturally, with any change it produces more change. There have been further decisions to make and adjustments to the path I thought I would be taking! I'm pleased with the decisions thus far. I have to say that it has all been rather consuming on one level or another, certainly on my deep internal processing level. I wouldn't say it's been overwhelming but rather an undercurrent that has kept me focused on navigation, even if it's been subconsciously.
Those are the times that it just doesn't work to write. The intensity and/or work of processing just doesn't allow it. Then I do feel overwhelmed or vacant when it comes to writing. Therefore, the lack of posts.
As a side note, sooo glad I married an external processor! I never have to wonder what he's thinking. Plus, there's the added bonus of him drawing me out or at least he provides the open ground and security which enables me to talk whenever I want!!
Here's hoping I get more in a writing groove again! :)

New Week

What does this new week hold? Perhaps this will be a breakthrough week, status quo or conflict. Does anyone really embrace conflict? Typically, I'm rather direct; I'm a - tell you what I think - kind of person. Hopefully, that doesn't mean I'm rude or insensitive. But out-and-out conflict I would really rather avoid, run from even. I wonder if this in part belies a lack of trust in God to some degree. I want healthy boundaries but I can question the lines I draw due to fear of reprisal. Then the reasons for my fear seem to come down to either not trusting God in the situation - isn't it easier to just lie down and smooth things over, or questioning my boundaries - am I being too harsh? Bottom line: I don't like my stomach to churn and I want to act righteously. If you think of it, you can pray for me. This does revolve around the financial and relational setback I mentioned earlier.
I'm getting even more out of the "Church" book the second time. I think it's helping me stay on track regarding the situation I just talked about. At any rate, it gives me things to think about and check myself against.

Choices

It doesn't seem like so much time goes by between these posts! Life is just going on, sometimes in a sweet, laid-back manner and other times by means of pressing through, choosing to leave behind that which does not edify.
I'm still in process of forgiveness and probably will be until the actual situation is completely over. I do look forward to leaving it all behind. I struggle now, too, with letting go of my ideas about how the Lord will continue to take care of us. Of course He will but naturally I have my thoughts about how that could be done! :) I think my ideas are great!! But in my heart of hearts I know that His way really is best. Sure, I'd love to know the specifics! Who wouldn't? I'd like to see the situation redeemed as I think is best. But again, my best so pales in comparison to His best. I really do want to trust Him, and it's not like I feel deprived! He is good.
An acquaintance of mine finishes off her emails, below her signature, with "count your blessings". That phrase can be overused or said in a placating manner so as to affect no response or worse yet - guilt, though honestly it can be truly powerful. As a spontaneous form of worship, I find myself at times thanking God for so many wonderful things. There are times, as well, when I choose to count them to reverse the path of my thoughts. Above all, I thank God for His faithfulness and lovingkindness.

Overdue!

So what's been happening? After a year plus of living in our home, I have the drive, enthusiasm AND energy to make this place really look like a home and feel settled in. I think having our bedroom painted was a great kick start! I'm also re-reading "So You Don't Want to Go to Church Anymore." It's worth another read to let the ideas, concepts and heart behind it sift through me again.
In the last couple of days, there has been a lot of processing going on for me. A rather large financial and relational setback occurred. The few people I've told about it have even called it an injustice. By in large I'm not an external processor. Although I do talk about upsetting things, I also need to pray, analyze some (however, some things are just too incredible - good or bad - to analyze) and just time to let it go. I can't do anything to change it because you can't make someone do something they don't want to! What does not help is re-living the events in my head, playing over the verbal exchanges just to get angry again! No one, including the Lord, said life would be fair. Honestly, I have so much to be thankful for, which has really helped to calm my heart and enable me to forgive. Still working on all of that; it's not completely over because it's a process! :) I'm also thankful that God doesn't want me to be embittered or carry this burden around with me. In Him there is new life ahead, and He is the one who takes care of me. Moving forward day by day, sometimes moment by moment.

Smiles

I seem to be pushing my time limit of a week - again! Do I have anything to say? Sometimes I wonder.
Life is grand; I can tell you that much. Is everything perfect? Oh no, not really. There are financial setbacks, frustrations and sometimes a seeming lack. But do I really lack anything? A resounding NO! Does life go as "planned"? Hmmm, well not always according to my plan! :)
Although as I get older (and wiser?), I'm more at peace. Life seems a bit simpler as I recognize the elements of life which are of greater importance. Being obsessed with me is not one of those things. That revelation I think is a life long process. The tendrils of "it's all about me" run deep and are intertwined with so many thoughts, attitudes and aspects of my life. I do enjoy cutting them off because it's so freeing. I thank God for helping me see better and the courage to rid myself of those encumbrances. He is good, has an awesome plan and takes such good care of me. (I'm smiling!)