Silenced

Then Job replied to the LORD, "I am nothing--how could I ever find the answers? I will put my hand over my mouth in silence. I have said too much already. I have nothing more to say."
Job 40:3-5

Letting go

Well, I think I was just wound WAY too tight to even write. Looking back on the last 4 months, which was my initial adjustment phase to living in the States again – specifically California, I can see I was overwhelmed and stressed out. Plus, there is the grieving that I mentioned earlier. I wasn’t really even myself, except for glimpses along the way.

Peace has returned, if not totally at least in part. I was trying to control ‘life’ which never works anyway and had put a lot of pressure on myself to get ‘life’ going here. But God has His timing and I am now willing to wait. Not that I will sit around and do nothing but I’ve relinquished the illusion of control and I’m more relaxed as I actively wait. There are still jobs to apply for, relationships to build, volunteering and I’ll continue to write. Each day is its own and I need to be in the present.

I’m so thankful God has good things in store for me but also that there are good things now if I’d just take a minute to adjust my focus. Attitude, perspective and focus are keys in knowing who’s in control, how much He cares and allowing Him to work in my life. I’m still learning and re-learning.

Reality Check

No, I'm not flipping to some movie scene in my head when I see surfboards attached to the roof of a car. Nor am I halucinating or witnessing some freakish or rebelious act against contrary weather or environmental conditions. These surfboard spottings are a rather common occurrence, even in the month of November. After all, it's sunny, high 60's to 70 and there is an ocean quite near by! Amazing but true!

I'm teaching myself not to think first about snow issues when I navigate a steep driveway or winding downhill highway. And today I was even surprised to see down coats in a store's display window. (Of course I have to remember that there will be skiing available in the not too distant future - after taking a little drive.) But there will be no snow on the landscape for me this winter. Will I miss it? Probably. But I don't know if I'll miss 6 feet of it for 5 months. Time will tell. Now what do I do with my wool sweaters?!

I also have to admit that I'm beginning to feel a little naked down here in Santa Cruz land - without a tattoo. But I think the reality check will stop there! No tattoos for me in the foreseeable future. In case you wanted to know!

Sea of Grace

I'm sorry to have left you with the last post for so long. There have been many good days in between then and now. Some tough days too.
I'm so thankful and blessed to love and be loved by so many. It's just so difficult when they are so far away.

"God's grace is still amazing. It's deeper, wider, stronger and higher than anything my eyes can see." This is part of a song I was listening to while driving, driving along the ocean. His grace is greater than the ocean. I'm swimming now.

Tough day

Yes, it's a tough day today. Why? I'm not really sure. Was it the "phone screening interview" I had today that could have gone better? Maybe. It certainly isn't the weather since it's warm and sunny. Is it just part of my continuing adjustment phase? Probably that's a big part of it. I miss people. It's hard.

So today I cried, talked to a friend in Poland, did laundry, posted my resume online and just tried to do as much as I could. The day is not over so we will see what the rest of the day holds. And there is always tomorrow.

Each day is new

Today was a good day. No, nothing in particular happened to make it 'good'. I had some plans for the day, just things to get done. But it didn't happen quite as I planned - big surprise! Some things were outside of my plans and other things will happen later.

What I've learned over the past year or so is that each day is new, different and not dependant on the emotions or events of yesterday. Some days during this past year have been very dark, emotionally. And at first, I would project the thoughts and emotions of those days - ad infinitum.

But whether the days are dark or bright, God has me (you) and each day in His hands. I might be overwhelmed with the shopping variety here, the gourmet items at Trader Joes's and the portions at restaurants but I don't need to be overwhelmed by my emotions. They are valid, part of me but tomorrow is another day.

Now in California

A 'woman on the edge' has nothing on a 'woman in transition'! I would say the emotions are just as unstable but at least this woman in transition isn't so aggressive as 'a woman on the edge'! I'm more overwhelmed by everything and tired a lot.

Resume writing is new all over again. I don't even remember the last time I wrote one, easily 15 years ago. It's all the more difficult to write since I don't know what I want to do!!

I knew this would be a new adventure for me. But I thought a benefit of this adventure would be that I could do this one in English. (In Poland, success in communication wasn't a given.) The other day I went into a store to get some change. But I was unsuccessful because the cashier only spoke Spanish. That's not one of my languages! And many job opportunities want someone bilingual and the other language desired isn't Polish. Go figure!

Brief Update

Five weeks since I last updated. A lot has happened in terms of relaxing and having fun. It will take me a couple of 'posts' to really get caught up with everything but here it is in a nutshell.

I bought a used car (Toyota) that I'm very happy with and early in August I drove down to Santa Cruz with Sabina, my best buddy from Poland. We took our time driving down along the coast, enjoying all the sights, sounds and taste treats! We investigated the Santa Cruz area a bit since this is where I'm going to relocate. We also drove down and saw Disneyland. Although neither one of us are in the 'kid' category this place is for the young at heart no matter the age. We had a great time!

It was a wonderful trip but I'm sorry to say that Sabina flew back to Poland yesterday. It was very difficult to say good-bye for both of us. The next visit is up in the air BUT it will happen.

Now I really enter into the serious job search phase of post missionary work. I would probably be more enthusiastic about it if I knew what I wanted to do. But I trust God will direct me. He is good and He has a plan!
More later about thoughts, feelings and experiences.