The Search for a Community

There are all kinds of community. A person might even be a part of a number of communities at one time. This particular activity of searching for a church community has never been my favorite. I'm not a good "shopper" in this regard. It takes so much time, but some group gatherings fit better than others so the effort can be worth it.
We've tried four different groups, two more extensively. We have decided on the church we went to first. I was going to write "we have settled on..." but I want to write about this process in a more positive light! Going back to church has not been high on my priority list. I've been rather disappointed by the last two communities I've gone to. One of those churches I attended for three and a half years. That length of time and other factors made my disappointment quite profound.
Nevertheless, intellectually I have always been convinced of the need and potential blessing of community life. But my emotional response has been clouded by the hurt and subsequent disillusionment which occurred within the confines of this structure. People are people, which includes the possibility of hurt. The blessing and disappointment comes from the same source.
I love God and that has never changed. I also realize the church will never change. The potential for good and bad will always be there.

Today I shall…

…try to remember to be considerate of anyone who has any time been of help to me, even though his later actions might have been hostile.

-Rabbi Abraham J. Twerski
“Growing Each Day, Adar 10" Aish.com

"Then I encountered Rabbi Twerski’s commentary for yesterday and it occurred to me that many of us have been 'throwing stones in the well from which we drank.'"

(The above quote and comment came from a blog I read - Morning Meditations. This particular post is "Throwing Stones.")

I had to realize I'd been throwing stones as well. A lot of good in me came out of attending the church or churches I once did. This is what I need to focus on regarding the past and the future. It's still a struggle as I head off to church each week but it's easier than it once was. Plus, as mentioned, I am convinced of the need for community life for everyone, including me! We need people in our lives because we are made for relationship. I know that life is not full when I delve into my isolationist tendencies. I choose to move forward rather than retreat.

Marriage as a Partnership

I never wanted the house with the white picket fence, 2.3 children and a husband who went off to work while I kept the house in order. It's a good thing I never wanted it because it never happened! :-) Years ago when I voiced my apathy for that way of life, a lot of people would tilt their heads at me in disbelief or confusion, then shrug their shoulders not knowing what to say.  I was OK with that - both their reaction and my lack of desire for that type of life. I still wanted to get married but was not ravenous (at any age) to be so. It wasn't marriage and kids that I didn't want, it was that particular image. The biggest part I didn't like was the seeming fact that the husband and wife lived such different lives with so little time spent together. I don't think this lifestyle I pictured is bad, it just wasn't appealing to me from what I saw on the outside.

I have struggled in my life at being able to form and articulate my thoughts and beliefs. There have been times when beliefs were presented to me and something wouldn't feel quite right but I wouldn't know why, or the belief was so commonplace I would shrug my shoulders and go along because I couldn't figure out my reaction. When I was asked what I did want in a marriage (since I still wanted to get married), my rather vague response was the kind of life where my husband and I worked together on a project. We didn't have to be joined at the hip 24/7 (probably better not to be) but the work/project/goal was jointly pursued.

Basically, I wanted a partnership, a relationship of mutual respect because we both know that we individually bring qualities that are needed and appreciated. Recently I read a blog to which I could say a big YES! This blog post helped to articulate some of my thoughts over the years. Too often churches would portray marriage in a way that did not sit right with me. What is this whole "covering" business? I got married later in life so I took care of the various aspects of my life all by myself. "...how often do we see this attitude [to be a savior] preached in the way a man is to be to his wife, forgetting that the Proverbs 31 woman worked and ran a vineyard? She did not need saving. If anything the verses imply that the man needs her.Through her competence she will cause him to be respected and make sure that his household does not suffer. How did this get turned around? She can buy things for herself, and take care of others. What she deserves from him is praise for doing so. She does not need a husband to ‘cover’ her. (He is not her husband yet, remember this is an instruction regarding what to look for in a wife.) Instead she needs a man who will appreciate her and everything she brings into the marriage. ..." (You can read the entire post here.)

Don't get me wrong, Brian does take care of certain things and I am thrilled about it. I take care of others. But our relationship is approached as a team effort. Although married we are still individuals (how could we not be!). I am responsible for my own actions, not Brian and vice versa. I appreciate Brian for who he is and all he adds to US. Plus, I still get to be me! We move together through life in a partnership.