The Search for a Community

There are all kinds of community. A person might even be a part of a number of communities at one time. This particular activity of searching for a church community has never been my favorite. I'm not a good "shopper" in this regard. It takes so much time, but some group gatherings fit better than others so the effort can be worth it.
We've tried four different groups, two more extensively. We have decided on the church we went to first. I was going to write "we have settled on..." but I want to write about this process in a more positive light! Going back to church has not been high on my priority list. I've been rather disappointed by the last two communities I've gone to. One of those churches I attended for three and a half years. That length of time and other factors made my disappointment quite profound.
Nevertheless, intellectually I have always been convinced of the need and potential blessing of community life. But my emotional response has been clouded by the hurt and subsequent disillusionment which occurred within the confines of this structure. People are people, which includes the possibility of hurt. The blessing and disappointment comes from the same source.
I love God and that has never changed. I also realize the church will never change. The potential for good and bad will always be there.

Today I shall…

…try to remember to be considerate of anyone who has any time been of help to me, even though his later actions might have been hostile.

-Rabbi Abraham J. Twerski
“Growing Each Day, Adar 10" Aish.com

"Then I encountered Rabbi Twerski’s commentary for yesterday and it occurred to me that many of us have been 'throwing stones in the well from which we drank.'"

(The above quote and comment came from a blog I read - Morning Meditations. This particular post is "Throwing Stones.")

I had to realize I'd been throwing stones as well. A lot of good in me came out of attending the church or churches I once did. This is what I need to focus on regarding the past and the future. It's still a struggle as I head off to church each week but it's easier than it once was. Plus, as mentioned, I am convinced of the need for community life for everyone, including me! We need people in our lives because we are made for relationship. I know that life is not full when I delve into my isolationist tendencies. I choose to move forward rather than retreat.

Next Chapter

A new day is dawning. Of course the dawn, or sunrise, does not happen in a moment's time. Twilight comes first with no actual sighting of the sun. I perhaps feel (rather than see) the first signs of twilight. Was it so dark before? No, I wouldn't say dark, instead I'd say nondescript. There's been no depression, grumblings or even mild discontent. I've been happy, even. But I think, at least for me, it takes a surprisingly long time to turn the page - finishing one chapter to then start another.

I'm not sure where this story is headed. Do you always know about your story? Although none of us are in control of life, I refer to the general direction. Just today the last of our house guests left for their respective homes. For a time we had two very different worlds collide. Not in a volatile sense! Different worlds literally, but they were also very different parts of my world, or my story. Now that the house has returned to just Brian and I. I'm somewhat philosophical or contemplative. Unfortunately neither of these worlds are part of my daily life now. My world's geographical point of reference is now Florida. However, my story has not really begun here. This concerns Brian in regard to my health and well-being. We women need our relational outlet with other women.

I have learned over my lifetime that rushing things (or people) doesn't really work. I might feel a sense of urgency to do something, get a task accomplished; but my timing isn't always the best. Oh, I'm not saying that if I push through and do something like order a needed item, book a ticket, etc. there are disastrous results. However, the times that I do "go with the flow" (not overly stress about the to do list and accomplishment) I have found, for example, sometimes the price is better when ordering or the timing of the trip would have conflicted with another event coming up. Not always but sometimes.

Most of all I can't "accomplish" relationships. They take time. I do need to be in situations that allow me to meet people. That being said, I don't want to rush into groups and join this or that. I go to a yoga class once a week, although yoga is not about chit chat! And I've signed up for a small group which lasts 3 months, for the gospel according to Dr. Seuss. We will see. Rome was not built in a day. Nor are heart attachments! Nevertheless, the twilight will progress to an actual dawning because my story continues!

New Digs!

I've been rather out of touch lately, but I don't need to tell you that! It has been a long stretch between the last post and now. Here are a few words to describe this intervening time:  frustration, nervousness, relief, excitement, fatigue, overwhelmed and perseverance.

It's been an even longer time since I left California to start a life in Florida. For four months, almost to the day, Brian and I were homeless. We traveled across the States and arrived in Fort Myers. We unpacked our two suitcases in the first short-term rental which was a small place, about 800 sf., on a lagoon. Unfortunately the timing of our arrival did not allow for the full enjoyment of our temporary locale because of the heat and humidity. Except for short jaunts out and about, I preferred the comforts of air conditioning!  Nevertheless, we were comfortable in our situation.

As is the nature of short-term, our time ran out at our little home on the lagoon so we packed up and moved a half a mile to another, bigger short-term rental. All the while we were waiting for some word, any word, on an offer we put in on a house - just a week after we first arrived. It was a short sale but still no communication after two months. Since we weren't locked into that house, we kept looking. We perused more homes online and actually viewed about half a dozen.

On one particular mid September day we had scheduled to view a few houses with our Realtor. On the morning of our meeting, Brian, the faithful researcher, noticed a new house on the market. We added that one to the list for viewing. Within minutes of stepping in the door, Brian had fallen in love with this obviously VERY recent foreclosure listing. I, not being one to leap, walked through the whole house analyzing. I have to say the view was hard to beat; plus, the house just suited us! I was sold on it and we put in an offer that day.

It was not all smooth sailing from that point. In fact, that started the frustration and the other facets mentioned in the first paragraph. However, all of those ups and downs are a dim memory now that we've been living in our house almost two weeks! There are still a lot of boxes and projects to do but we have our bed to sleep on, a functioning kitchen and, needless to say, a wonderful place to relax, have a cup of coffee (or iced latte) and soak in the warm weather! And it's bug free - I love these "pool cages." :-)

Now being more settled, I feel a greater ability to actually start life here, get plugged in and begin making connections. It will still take time, as the adventure continues to unfold!

East vs. West

The battle of the coasts. Before I launch into a discussion about cultural differences, I hope everyone bears in mind that stereotypes are gross generalizations which have a basis in fact or they wouldn't have become a stereotype. However, no convention of this type is true across the board. There are always layers, derivations, and definite exceptions. The United States is big; we can't deny the "regions" within it. I have a friend who was born and raised on the east coast. In fact, she lives there to this day. When she heard I was moving to "her" side of the country (my term not hers!), she found the concept difficult to imagine. For her, it was easy and enjoyable to visit the west coast but she didn't think she could ever make the switch. And this comes from a woman who has lived in The Netherlands, Hungary, Greece and Albania to name a few places!

On the other hand, since it was Florida in particular, I reasoned the differences would be minimized. I never saw Florida as fully east coast, nor did I consider it part of the deep south. It was neutral in my mind and rather nondescript. Silly me!

The west coast has it's own stereotype, I know. California takes that image even further. Although I have to say that the typical image of California applies more generally to southern California - image obsession, plastic, tanned, and liberal. There is no doubt that I am a product of the west coast environs (Washington in specific), where the living is laid back, recycling is nearly an addiction, and coffee is king!! :-) Granted the coffee is needed to keep the chill off and give a little spark to another dreary day. (However, for me it'a a comfort drink wherever I am.) I would also say that although we are friendly, we are not a warm group of people. Northern climates don't lean in this direction - there are layers to us just like our sweaters and coats!

Now, on this (the east) side perceptions are a little different. I'm still learning about this area so my thinking could change in the future. At the moment, I see "the south" here in customer service - warm and personable, and going to church is a commonplace part of life. As far as "the east" goes, people are more pushy and passionate. Lastly, the driving is just schizophrenic. Either they are beyond aggressive or mighty pokey. Perhaps the "pokeyness" brings out frustration and therefore aggression.

Tomorrow it will be a month since my arrival. Let's face it - I'm a newbie!

Nature Walks?

Egret

Oh, the exercise of it all! Brian and I tried to walk a couple of miles 5 or 6 times a week when we lived in California. One of the nicest features of our home there were the trails to walk along a slough. Various types of birds were always a part of our walking routine. On special days we would see egrets, with even greater rarity we might see blue herons. Naturally :-( we never remembered our cameras, but I have many mental images in my files. Those walks were relaxing (perhaps too much so) and a great opportunity for conversation.

Here in Florida - it's the treadmill. It's far too hot to walk outside at this time of year. The treadmill does not allow for "relaxing" which is probably a good thing! Without a doubt I'm getting better exercise but I was going to miss the nature scenes. My second day at the gym I look up from the treadmill panel (checking my awesome stats!) and I find outside the window about 6 feet away - an egret! He decided to feed off the bugs in the bushes right in front of me. :-) On our nature walks in CA we were happy to see the egret when it was 300 feet away! To see the egret so closely was amazing! I guess I can never be sure just what I'm giving up - or not!

In any case, the exercise has been stepped up, so to say! At this point in life I'm not confident of decisive visual changes to my appearance. But I'm hoping to be stronger with better endurance - for many years. Who knows what I'll see along the way!

OK, I'm Stressed Out!

There I said it! It's no shame I suppose, but I was so hoping I'd be 'cool' (maybe impervious or just have it all together). No such luck. Packing/moving really undoes me. Thanks to Brian, I have fared better than I did through previous life experiences of a similar nature. He does know me and has taken steps to make it as easy as possible. Bless him!! He is doing the lion's share, as we say, as well as the tiger's, gorilla's, elephant's and not to be forgotten - the hippopotamus'! 

That being said, we are getting down to the nitty-gritty and it's hard to avoid or for Brian to soften the blows of the moving process. Why does this undo me? Who knows. Does it matter?

I can accept that I'm not 'cool'. The problem is that I haven't been as nice to Brian lately as I would like! Here he is being so great and... An apology is in order! I still thought I'd confess to you - I'm stressed and it's hitting me that I'm really moving! Where I know no one, which I have done before a couple of times, but... Most importantly, the reasons for moving haven't changed so I'm not freaking out (big difference). It's just a tough time - the unknown is full of promise but a little unsettling, too.

Not much else to say. I DO love adventures but transitions can be uncomfortable.

No Mystery at the Moment

Often it can be hard to determine just where the time goes. However, for me at this juncture in life, I know exactly where the time is going. People and packing. Those two things at the moment are not leaving a lot of time to write.

Nevertheless, I want to catch you up a bit on what's happening. The final papers for the sale of the house are signed. In two days our wonderful house will belong to another family! I'm sure they will enjoy it as much as we have!! We are able to stay an extra 2 weeks (part of the sale contract) to finish the packing and say our good-byes.

We are making steady progress on selling some of our belongings and packing up the rest. That steady progress is all thanks to Brian! He also knows I can get overwhelmed by all of this, therefore, what I need to deal with is brought in only in small sections. That way I just have this little bit to deal with right in front of me. The garage and the big picture are not something I have to delve into so I can make my steady progress bit by bit. I don't know what I'd do without him! Not planning on finding out!!

The people part has a much sadder tone to it. And yet, I don't look at it as a total cutting off of relationships! I can't deny it will be different but there is skype and actual visits, which I trust will go both ways!

I'm also excited for the new adventures ahead. What kind of house will we find? What communities will we get plugged into? Life in the tropics, who knows what that's like?! Ocean water I can swim in!! Lots and lots of sun, especially for Brian. :) So much more I'm sure with some ups and downs along the way. After all, bumps and twists and turns are part of life, and an adventure! Time will tell.

What's up with you?

What a Process!

I've mentioned that we have a new adventure ahead of us, namely selling the house and looking for our new home. It all started 13+ months ago!

Did we decide to move that long ago? Absolutely not! It began by randomly watching a House Hunters International show - a fractional ownership of a vacation home. I didn't know such a thing existed. I'd heard of timeshares but had no interest in that.  It's important for Brian to travel during the bad weather months, perhaps then get some relief. He can at least be warm, and there comes an emotional renewal with the traveling even if it's not a cure. In any case, we travel. Can we spend less in the long run with fractional ownership than by spending money on hotels and restaurant food? An interesting prospect and I went to work researching.

The Internet is Great for Research!

No such luck finding that kind of ownership in the area we liked to return and visit. Hmmm. Could we buy something out right and then rent it the rest of the time, having it pay for itself? We like the Caribbean, doesn't everyone?! Checked out that for awhile but couldn't seem to make that work either. The prices were just on the edge of possible, but the consistency of rental income was doubtful.

Shifting gears and locations, we found some other areas that were beautiful, more affordable and quite rural. I thought, "Why not? This area is nice, too!" Then, one evening Brian and I "took a walk" via Google maps, and looked up and down the streets. Yup, very rural, no cute little cafes, and seemingly very quiet, too quiet. I'm not so big on the nightlife scene at this point in life but even I think I would be bored there. The beach is wonderful but...

Brian had always talked about this city about 20k inland, though I had never paid much attention. It was inland. I wanted the beach. Maybe I should take a look. After all, it's only 20k away from the beach. What's a half an hour travel?!

The process, thus far, takes us about 5 or 6 months into the past 13+ months. To be continued. :-)

(It did get continued! See Adventure's Roadmap - The Process Part 2)

Hold On!

I continue to engage in my sedentary pursuit of foreign real estate browsing. I mentioned Panama and Ecuador before and Mexico is also on the list with Nicaragua trailing in distant fourth. I also talked in my last post about changes on the forefront. Put those two things together and Brian and I have come up with selling the house and moving somewhere warmer and cheaper. (A few places in the States are also in the running!) Surprising? I'm still a little surprised at how quickly and radically our thinking has changed in the last six weeks. Perhaps you ask - why? Boiled down, the financial upset towards the end of the year caused us to drastically rethink the direction we want to move regarding our finances. By the way, the financial upset is resolved, and more positively than we had hoped! Thank God!

No specifics. No decisions. This, too, is a process. During one of my browsing times, I did run across a coffee plantation for sale in Panama :-). It's located in the Chiriqui province. I know I don't know how to pronounce that name correctly, but in my mind it sounds vaguely like "cheery." So when I teased Brian that we could buy a coffee farm, naturally the name of our product would be Carol's Cheery Coffee. Does it get any better than that?!

I doubt that buying a coffee plantation is in our future, :-) but we are open to new possibilities. After all, life is an adventure!

Life Roads also Twist and Turn

I talked recently about the roads of the Amalfi coast and how they cling to the hillsides. They slink their way along the curves of the hill, matching undulation for undulation. The cliff on one side and the houses piled up on one another on the other. Sometimes there are tunnels and - blackness, yet, it doesn't last forever and in time you'll burst out into the sunshine.
Yesterday my business partner and I met with our accountant to discuss the steps of closing down our business. The business has been limping along for quite a while now, mainly due to lack of attention on both our parts. It's not that we didn't care about it, but life was so different when we started it. Almost 4 years ago when it started, neither one of us were married and goals were not the same. Did we fail because we are closing it down? I don't think so. It's a neutral action - neither good or bad. It's just that life has changed. Do I understand what all the twists and turns of the business were and what it was all about? No. It wasn't necessarily cheap but do I regret anything? No. My business partner and I were friends first and we still are friends!! So that's a success! :)
Transitions or changes need to happen sometimes and if I hold on to the past there isn't as much room for the future or even the present! A tunnel certainly is a transition from one part to another. I don't know what's on the other side yet but new views and vistas are coming. I can count on it!

Anticipation

There has been a comment that this blog has been rather quiet lately. It's true! This means one of two things, generally speaking. The first - I'm processing something so I don't know what to write yet or it's too overwhelming to try and get it down in black and white. The second - I'm down and don't have the energy to write. April has been more of the first and a bit of the second.
I can tell you this, I'm feeling restless. The fall brought undetermined stirrings; January brought a couple new research directions, and April an acknowledgement of restlessness. All in all, a good progression and I think I need to fasten my seatbelt because it seems a new adventure is about to ensue.
I think the biggest thing I'm learning at the moment is to live in the moment. Brian is much better at this than I am. For some aspects of life, I like knowing the major direction for down the road a couple of years! Then that affects decisions in the present. But if I don't know the plan then I (unnecessarily) handicap myself in present day decision making, i.e. purchases - Do I look for a piece of furniture that we need for this house? Because I don't know if we'll be in this house. Silly I suppose and I put myself in limbo - no one else. I don't know how to live in limbo because I'm not in the present or the future!
I love a good roller coaster. When I'm riding one, I'm never anticipating the curve and drop that's a 100 yards away. Rather, I'm fully experiencing the curve, twist and turn I'm on by being jostled about, holding on and screaming with delight! I've always said I love a good adventure which by nature means I'm never sure what's coming up! Here I go enjoying the anticipation and excitement while living fully in the present!!

Just having fun!

I'm no longer "international" at least physically! I'm back in CA and enjoying get togethers with people to catch up! I'm glad that this past trip to Mexico doesn't have that usual surreal feeling, you know, like it never happened but was just a dream. I'm not sure why this trip is different than most, maybe because the pace was more relaxing, I'd been there before or what? Anyway, I thoroughly enjoyed the time and looking forward to the next time, whenever that is.
For the past few months I've been perusing Mexican real estate. Perhaps a vacation home in the future? Of course some lifestyle changes would need to occur to make that happen. In any case... I've loved looking at the old colonials and how people have restored them! It strikes that architectural bone in me of days long ago. I would never want to go back and work as an architect in some firm, besides I'm probably a dinosaur at this point. However, this colonial architecture is new to me and the climate is also different than anything I've ever worked in before. I wish I could see more before and after pictures of the same place. There are places both restored and not yet restored to look at but not usually of the same place! All in all, it's been a blast!
There have been some "overly desirous / covertness" issues to work through with God because I can get too involved or personal about things. That, too, has been good (the working through) so I can just enjoy the process and have fun! Whatever the outcome is or isn't. It's good to have some architectural juices flowing again!

A New Beginning

So how is the new year treating you so far? Until today it's been all about people for me, getting caught up mostly, relaxing and enjoying quality time with someone each day. Today, though, I'm lying low because a cold is trying to majorly take hold. I will fight the good fight!! (When I'm sick I don't feel like drinking coffee so this morning it's tea!)
I glanced back at my blog and noticed an October posting about 'stirrings'. It is interesting the different times that God has for us in life. '08 - more emotional healing. '09 - I was sick. '10 - appreciating and learning to walk in greater freedom. Now there is '11. I'm ready to move forward into new things. I have a couple of ideas that I will be researching of a more business like nature. Although in the end, I hope they will set up a relatively passive type income. Nothing big but over the years there will be a some extra money. No get rich quick scheme here! I'm pleased that it seems time to focus on some other things even if they might not pan out as I hope. Who knows what will turn up along the journey!
In the realm of spiritual connections, I guess I'm still in the waiting mode. It's not something that one can force! I still do dream about a group of people connected and walking through life together, like in the book I've mentioned earlier. Well, the new year stretches before us. God is at work. Looking forward to seeing how it all unfolds!

A Time of Promise

It's been a few days of gray, rain and relative cold. Now today the sun is out and I feel new promise inside. Sometimes I wonder if I would really catch these stirrings in me if I weren't writing, checking in with myself.
There has been a lot of changes in my life the past couple of years - by-in-large very positive! Let's see, a brief list: I got married, moved, got sick (for a year), marched into menopause, left the church I'd been attending for 5 years (still no settling somewhere else) and started a business (now a bit in limbo). My life's "routine" is difficult to pin down and there are aspects that seem to be in "no man's land" that is to say they are unfinished. I'm in the midst of an adventure where it's logical to imagine both blahness and the feelings of hope and promise exist, especially for a woman going through menopause! :)
Today is a good day as everyday is - I'm just able to see it better and experience it more fully in that way! It's OK to be blah. I like this better, though. I just want to be faithful through it all. The promise is before me and I'm moving forward.

Processing!

As mentioned before, I'm not an external processor. So why do I blog? Good question! I do enjoy writing and it can help me to put thoughts and feelings into words because I force myself to get it down in black and white. Although as I look at August's postings, I don't see many!!
Life this month has been relatively status quo, but honestly (as revealed by my lack of postings) I think I've been in major inward processing mode due to this financial setback. Naturally, with any change it produces more change. There have been further decisions to make and adjustments to the path I thought I would be taking! I'm pleased with the decisions thus far. I have to say that it has all been rather consuming on one level or another, certainly on my deep internal processing level. I wouldn't say it's been overwhelming but rather an undercurrent that has kept me focused on navigation, even if it's been subconsciously.
Those are the times that it just doesn't work to write. The intensity and/or work of processing just doesn't allow it. Then I do feel overwhelmed or vacant when it comes to writing. Therefore, the lack of posts.
As a side note, sooo glad I married an external processor! I never have to wonder what he's thinking. Plus, there's the added bonus of him drawing me out or at least he provides the open ground and security which enables me to talk whenever I want!!
Here's hoping I get more in a writing groove again! :)

Choices

It doesn't seem like so much time goes by between these posts! Life is just going on, sometimes in a sweet, laid-back manner and other times by means of pressing through, choosing to leave behind that which does not edify.
I'm still in process of forgiveness and probably will be until the actual situation is completely over. I do look forward to leaving it all behind. I struggle now, too, with letting go of my ideas about how the Lord will continue to take care of us. Of course He will but naturally I have my thoughts about how that could be done! :) I think my ideas are great!! But in my heart of hearts I know that His way really is best. Sure, I'd love to know the specifics! Who wouldn't? I'd like to see the situation redeemed as I think is best. But again, my best so pales in comparison to His best. I really do want to trust Him, and it's not like I feel deprived! He is good.
An acquaintance of mine finishes off her emails, below her signature, with "count your blessings". That phrase can be overused or said in a placating manner so as to affect no response or worse yet - guilt, though honestly it can be truly powerful. As a spontaneous form of worship, I find myself at times thanking God for so many wonderful things. There are times, as well, when I choose to count them to reverse the path of my thoughts. Above all, I thank God for His faithfulness and lovingkindness.

What's Next?

Curious - since 'Bird Month' is over? Me too! I can say that at least one thing has remained consistent through the time. I still would like to investigate further the idea of volunteering at the Public Library to help adults learn to read. They do give some training which would be very helpful so that's on the list to check out.
Thankfully, I don't feel pressure to rush into something and 'get busy' now that it is May. Making decisions with with those kind of feelings as motivators does not usually lead to wise, healthy choices. I continue to trust that I will hear which way to go, to the right or to the left. (Isaiah 30:21)

Saturday Mornings

There is something so sweet about Saturday mornings and it's not because the breakfasts are special. Most often I have the usual - yogurt and granola. I think it's in part because I can feel the collective sigh around the area. For me there's no rush to get out of bed, the pace of the day just automatically feels slower and the coffee is even better, if that's possible!
My bird month is almost over. Next Saturday is May 1st! (Can't believe it!) There's a little twinge in my stomach - What's going to happen? What am I going to DO? But now is not the time to decide. I want to trust that the right thing(s) will come along and I will hear God say which way to go. I certainly feel blessed not to feel pressure, however, I do want the full experience of the adventure God has for me.

New Adventures vs. The Past

Why do new adventures seem to drag our thoughts and perspective to the past? Oh, the exhilaration at first keeps everything at bay - the exhilaration of a new plan, ideas and future. But implementing those ideas, formulating that plan has caused me to remember the past. It's not that I have any regrets which I'm very thankful for but the past is not failure free! "They" say you learn more from your failures than your successes. OK. That seems reasonable, true even. Yet at the moment my failures bring doubt, perhaps not paralysis but certainly not fluid movement or momentum.
I would love to be a part of a small, healthy, balanced fellowship - do I dare say 'church' of an unconventional form. Yet as a missionary church planting didn't go exactly as I had hoped. I guess it's time to evaluate. What was good and what wasn't. God's Word does not return void. God did work and continues to in Poland. Maybe evaluation isn't what I need but just greater reliance on Him. It is amazing and sad what we/I can do 'for the Lord' without the Holy Spirit. It's not all bad but is it as effective as He could do? For me right now, I think it's important to keep the pressure off myself. Pressure even from myself only makes me 'do the effort'. I just want to walk behind the Holy Spirt as He moves and works.

Letting go

Well, I think I was just wound WAY too tight to even write. Looking back on the last 4 months, which was my initial adjustment phase to living in the States again – specifically California, I can see I was overwhelmed and stressed out. Plus, there is the grieving that I mentioned earlier. I wasn’t really even myself, except for glimpses along the way.

Peace has returned, if not totally at least in part. I was trying to control ‘life’ which never works anyway and had put a lot of pressure on myself to get ‘life’ going here. But God has His timing and I am now willing to wait. Not that I will sit around and do nothing but I’ve relinquished the illusion of control and I’m more relaxed as I actively wait. There are still jobs to apply for, relationships to build, volunteering and I’ll continue to write. Each day is its own and I need to be in the present.

I’m so thankful God has good things in store for me but also that there are good things now if I’d just take a minute to adjust my focus. Attitude, perspective and focus are keys in knowing who’s in control, how much He cares and allowing Him to work in my life. I’m still learning and re-learning.