Reality Check

No, I'm not flipping to some movie scene in my head when I see surfboards attached to the roof of a car. Nor am I halucinating or witnessing some freakish or rebelious act against contrary weather or environmental conditions. These surfboard spottings are a rather common occurrence, even in the month of November. After all, it's sunny, high 60's to 70 and there is an ocean quite near by! Amazing but true!

I'm teaching myself not to think first about snow issues when I navigate a steep driveway or winding downhill highway. And today I was even surprised to see down coats in a store's display window. (Of course I have to remember that there will be skiing available in the not too distant future - after taking a little drive.) But there will be no snow on the landscape for me this winter. Will I miss it? Probably. But I don't know if I'll miss 6 feet of it for 5 months. Time will tell. Now what do I do with my wool sweaters?!

I also have to admit that I'm beginning to feel a little naked down here in Santa Cruz land - without a tattoo. But I think the reality check will stop there! No tattoos for me in the foreseeable future. In case you wanted to know!

Sea of Grace

I'm sorry to have left you with the last post for so long. There have been many good days in between then and now. Some tough days too.
I'm so thankful and blessed to love and be loved by so many. It's just so difficult when they are so far away.

"God's grace is still amazing. It's deeper, wider, stronger and higher than anything my eyes can see." This is part of a song I was listening to while driving, driving along the ocean. His grace is greater than the ocean. I'm swimming now.

Tough day

Yes, it's a tough day today. Why? I'm not really sure. Was it the "phone screening interview" I had today that could have gone better? Maybe. It certainly isn't the weather since it's warm and sunny. Is it just part of my continuing adjustment phase? Probably that's a big part of it. I miss people. It's hard.

So today I cried, talked to a friend in Poland, did laundry, posted my resume online and just tried to do as much as I could. The day is not over so we will see what the rest of the day holds. And there is always tomorrow.

Each day is new

Today was a good day. No, nothing in particular happened to make it 'good'. I had some plans for the day, just things to get done. But it didn't happen quite as I planned - big surprise! Some things were outside of my plans and other things will happen later.

What I've learned over the past year or so is that each day is new, different and not dependant on the emotions or events of yesterday. Some days during this past year have been very dark, emotionally. And at first, I would project the thoughts and emotions of those days - ad infinitum.

But whether the days are dark or bright, God has me (you) and each day in His hands. I might be overwhelmed with the shopping variety here, the gourmet items at Trader Joes's and the portions at restaurants but I don't need to be overwhelmed by my emotions. They are valid, part of me but tomorrow is another day.

Now in California

A 'woman on the edge' has nothing on a 'woman in transition'! I would say the emotions are just as unstable but at least this woman in transition isn't so aggressive as 'a woman on the edge'! I'm more overwhelmed by everything and tired a lot.

Resume writing is new all over again. I don't even remember the last time I wrote one, easily 15 years ago. It's all the more difficult to write since I don't know what I want to do!!

I knew this would be a new adventure for me. But I thought a benefit of this adventure would be that I could do this one in English. (In Poland, success in communication wasn't a given.) The other day I went into a store to get some change. But I was unsuccessful because the cashier only spoke Spanish. That's not one of my languages! And many job opportunities want someone bilingual and the other language desired isn't Polish. Go figure!

Brief Update

Five weeks since I last updated. A lot has happened in terms of relaxing and having fun. It will take me a couple of 'posts' to really get caught up with everything but here it is in a nutshell.

I bought a used car (Toyota) that I'm very happy with and early in August I drove down to Santa Cruz with Sabina, my best buddy from Poland. We took our time driving down along the coast, enjoying all the sights, sounds and taste treats! We investigated the Santa Cruz area a bit since this is where I'm going to relocate. We also drove down and saw Disneyland. Although neither one of us are in the 'kid' category this place is for the young at heart no matter the age. We had a great time!

It was a wonderful trip but I'm sorry to say that Sabina flew back to Poland yesterday. It was very difficult to say good-bye for both of us. The next visit is up in the air BUT it will happen.

Now I really enter into the serious job search phase of post missionary work. I would probably be more enthusiastic about it if I knew what I wanted to do. But I trust God will direct me. He is good and He has a plan!
More later about thoughts, feelings and experiences.

Thoughts of Home

Friday evening, I’m sitting out on my mother’s deck listening to and watching the wind in the trees. It’s a very peaceful and pleasant evening. As I sit here, I hear a bit of traffic noise, briefly a jet overhead, and I know there is a Starbucks only 2 blocks away. It all seems very familiar in my ‘new’(?) slice of the world. It may be familiar but I don’t seem to fit (on the inside) like I used to. This makes me think of something I wrote in the introduction to a book I’m writing. So I will give you a glimpse into the book entitled 'The Road Home'.

"The need for a home, or lasting reference point outside of myself, came to the forefront when I became a missionary. During those years on the mission field my number of physical homes increased. Seattle would always be home because that’s where I grew up and lived through early adulthood. I still have family and friends there. After a while my missionary host country felt like home in many ways. Having lived in one place for almost nine years, even though a missionary, I felt rather settled. Through God-appointed meetings, a church from another European country, Switzerland, began to represent home as we received teams from this country to support our mission work. I got to know people from the Swiss church and spent furlough time there, as well. Switzerland is such a beautiful country, who wouldn’t want to call this place home?"

I enjoyed and felt so comfortable in Europe generally that I wondered, even though born an American, was I European at heart? I just seemed to belong in those little sidewalk cafes surrounded by buildings, often three or more times the age of the United States, and riding highly developed city tram systems. America though familiar was changing in my absence. I became less comfortable in the States, yet I still could speak the language quite well! There’s a lot less stress in life when there are no barriers to communication. I readily called all three places – home. They each were home in some regard and yet none of them was home"

In 3 weeks I'm off to my next 'home' in Santa Cruz, California. It's always an adventure with the Lord. Continuing to covet your prayers.

Only a Week?!

I've been in the States a week now. But in some ways it seems so much longer. I don't know if that's jetlag distortion or what. It seems strange to not be in a rush. Usually when I'm here I've only got a limited time to get everything done I hope to, because I've got a flight back to Europe. My perspective is different and I'm trying to adjust.
Yesterday was a particularly sad day. I don't really know why but that's not necessarily unusual either. (Sometimes the reasons behind my emotions are a mystery.) It was good to be at church but difficult too. I was uniquely aware of 2 things during the sermon. 1. I could understand every word! 2. It might be a long time before I ever teach like that again. As I type I guess I understand my emotions better!
Well I hope to update weekly, at least. I desire to keep up you informed even through this transition process. Of course this process will probably be several months! I'd love your prayers.

Beginning Transition

As I write – I’m on the plane, having left Warsaw and am heading to Chicago. I’ve done this often enough in the past 9 years of living in Poland. So I can tell you that it hasn’t really sunk in that my part of the ministry work is over. I’ve said my ‘see you laters’ (as I plan on visiting) and I’ve shed many tears. But still …… After some visiting time in Seattle I head down to Santa Cruz, CA to start ‘real life’ in the States. But it’s been a long time since I’ve done ‘that’! It all seems rather surreal at the moment.
In some ways I’m excited because I like new adventures. But nothing is clear, even what I want to do. It’s like a fog. Or maybe that is just prophecy regarding the weather I’m likely to experience in CA!

A Bit about My Plans

Hi again, this time from Switzerland. I feel a bit like a ping pong ball, bouncing back and forth between Poland, the US and Switzerland these past 6 months. I can’t say that this time period in my life has been easy, comfortable or predictable. However, it has been fruitful and has brought clarity regarding parts of my past and to a certain degree clarity for my future. So who could complain about that? Quite the contrary, I’m so thankful to have this time of break / furlough. God has been very gracious during this time so my emotions and thoughts could have time to catch up with each other. There has been some healing and a greater discovery of my heart. I feel a bit more ‘aligned’ now although tears can still leap to the surface at surprising times. Even so, I’m confident I’m making some good choices for myself, despite the fact that those same decisions can be painful.

I’ve made plane reservations to go back to Poland for the final packing up. This is at the end of June. (More good-byes to say in Switzerland.) And then back to Seattle for a short while on July 11th. I have no idea what really awaits me in Santa Cruz, CA which is where God has led me to settle, at least for a while. Oh, sure I have a few ideas of possibilities but I don’t count on those actually becoming reality. God has plans too and I may not be thinking in the right direction yet because I have to be in Santa Cruz first before I’ll ‘get it.’ I do know that it is my intention to finish a book I’ve started to write. I started this book 3 or 4 years ago. But I hadn’t written anything for the 2 years prior to coming to Switzerland in October. I don’t know what the final outcome will be for this book but it’s important for me to finish it.

I’ve learned a lot during this time. I believe, even more than I realize. It is certainly more than I can put into words. But I don’t have to worry about that because God has put it in my heart so that the Holy Spirit can bring about growth. And we all know, “it is out of the heart that the mouth speaks.”

Oh wow! the changes that are coming!

It’s been difficult to write lately because I needed to let everyone know the decisions I’ve made that affect my future via personal contact, phone or newsletter before writing in my blog. So much of my time has been consumed by a mixture of deep emotions, organizing life’s details and packing. Why? Because God has shown me that I’m to return to the States. My role in Poland is finished.

The nature of the beast within resists change. Even though our past has been painful and in some ways unrewarding and perhaps even unproductive, it would be interesting to know how many of us would rather return to our past than face the uncertainty of our future. Being creatures of habit, we would rather have the security of our yesterday than the uncertainty of our tomorrow.
But it’s the uncertainty of our future that really strengthens our faith. I mean, if we knew what it was all about, then it would take no faith. All it would take is obedience. If you knew what was going to happen in the next ten years of your life, what kind of faith would it take to walk that path?
It’s the mystery of it all that gives it the power, the mystery of the whole process called God’s working that makes the power so magnificent.

This is a quote from a daily reading book by Charles Swindoll. I don’t mean to say that my time in Poland has been unrewarding, quite the contrary. Hopefully it wasn’t unproductive, although at times – yes, painful. But that’s life. I wouldn’t trade this time for anything. But God has something new for me. And it’s definitely a walk of faith. It’s very difficult to leave but I know this is the right decision. Now I need to wait on the Lord to see how He will bring about great things for me and those remaining in Poland. I trust Him for those wonderful things not just for me but them as well. Nevertheless, change is difficult for all.
Please pray for me as I listen to hear the various turns I need to make on my new path. Please pray for comfort, encouragement and hope for the entire group in Poland. More to come about my plans.

I'm Baaack!

Hey, I’m back in Poland as of yesterday! Everything is so ‘normal’ and as it was except I can’t remember where some things are in the kitchen, for example. It’s only been six months. My poor brain!
Breakfast this morning was wonderful to have with Denise and Sabina. The coffee was particularly good, actually great. It is imported from the States but the combination of our coffee machine, the perfect mixture and marvelous company made for a most enjoyable cup! I love Saturday breakfasts here because we can just enjoy one another’s company, no rushing and taste treats made be Sabina.
I’m getting caught up a bit on what’s been happening and up coming events. I’m looking forward to the service tomorrow and seeing almost everyone. Some can’t make it on Sundays but I’ll connect with those people on Monday night prayer meeting. More about all that in future posts.
I’m going to close now because Sabina is just about ready to server her legendary eggrolls. They are a lot of work but I’m extremely appreciative! She’s making them at my request. So she’s spoiling me and I like it! Good friends are the greatest.

Good Friday

Today is Good Friday. There is little to be said as this day begs reflection. Reflection not only of the suffering Christ endured but on what he gave up to suffer and sacrifice himself - for me, for you.

Lately I’ve been reminded again and again of my own striving and trying to add somehow to God’s good work. But His is a completed work that I only need to receive. When we receive Jesus as Savior, all receive by grace and some, like me, have moved from our point of salvation to help God out in different ways along the journey. God doesn’t need my advice or my seemingly wonderful plans. He knows best and knows me best.

“Be still and know that I am God.” He lives and is my Redeemer. Alleluia - Sunday is coming!

Spring is Coming!

The world seems brighter, lighter because the promise of spring is in my heart. As I mentioned in the last post, it’s been a difficult season but finally I feel movement out of it. I wanted to share this quote from CS Lewis’ essay The Grand Miracle because it fits so well with my situation at the moment:

"To be sure, it feels wintry enough still: but often in the very early spring it feels like that….. the spring comes down slowly down this way; but the great thing is that the corner has been turned. There is, of course, this difference, that in the natural spring the crocus cannot choose whether it will respond or not. We can. We have the power either of withstanding the spring, and sinking back into the cosmic winter, or of going on into these “high mid-summer pomps” in which our leader, the Son of Man, already dwells, and to which he is calling us. It remains with us to follow or not, to die in this winter, or to go on into that spring and that summer."

We all make choices along our way. For me now, I'm so glad to feel spring coming and so I choose spring!

Out of the Heart ...

Why do I find it so difficult to pour out my heart, especially in writing? But then again maybe I’m even worse at it verbally. I think I like ‘neat packages’ because I can grab a hold of them somehow. And ‘pouring out’ for me usually does not come in a neat package. Far too many tears have flowed for my liking these days. I know I have a problem with control. Even so, life has been definitely out of my control lately. But the control issue is all just an illusion on my part anyway. Who is really in control? God.
The past 4 months have been quite a transition time for me. And I’m not saying that it is now over! I still don’t know where I’m heading. Hope is a great thing and a lightening of the load – wonderful. The encouraging thing is that I feel a bit of movement, no direction but movement. Waiting, limbo or whatever you want to call it is not easy for me. (Is it easy for anyone else?) Although I must say I’ve learned a lot, mostly about myself. Some of it is still difficult to put into words. But maybe that’s for another posting.
Is there anyone out there that wants to tell me about stability? 

Spreading my wings?

I rather like being a bird! There are some definite, positive aspects. Right now I’m cat-sitting which could be dangerous for bird but so far I’m holding my own!! Anyway, it’s a few days to be on my own and I needed this. In the mornings I still go into the church office but I’ve found my afternoons to be productive and my evenings relaxing. I think part of the productivity is the fact that in this apartment I can be wirelessly connected and so therefore I can use my laptop. I’ve missed being able to do everything on my computer. Instead I’ve used others’ computers and transferred files when need be. It's a blessing that I can use other computers but sometimes it's the little things in life that can make it more comfortable. I think for a bird “little things” are more appreciated and I need to remember this for the future!
I’ve nothing incredibly profound to share or earthshaking news but it’s a good week so far. Last week was great because Denise and Sabina visited from Poland. They had winter break which is semester break and took some vacation here! It was a good mixture of time – with people, sightseeing, shopping, good food and sharing. I’m so glad they could come. I’m thankful and God is good.

Just a Bird for the Moment

As usual it’s been a while since I’ve written. Sometimes I think I don’t write because whatever I wrote wouldn’t necessarily be true in an hour’s time. That perhaps is a bit extreme but sometimes it feels that way. But if I were even more honest it can really be an effort to write. Even conversations, these days, can be difficult because I find it so hard to put my thoughts into a coherent stream. So to actually get something down in black and white is quite a challenge for me.
Why is this so? Good question. Actually life and where I’m headed is a question. It took me 2 months of this sabbatical to relax enough to be able to relax! I am still in the “no decision phase” of my time. Most of the time I’m OK with that. But there are times that my thoughts go down the wrong path and it takes a lot of effort to get them back to “neutral.” The wrong path for my thoughts just brings up more worries and questions which really aren’t all that helpful.
Over the holiday time God comforted me in reminding me how I was called to Eastern Europe in the first place. I wasn’t looking for it nor did I have any expectations in that direction. Yet God moved and I knew it was Him. So He is able to make the way clear again, if I am to return, take a sidestep or windy path. I need to hold onto that reminder and comfort because some days are tough. At the moment I’m just getting over being sick so I’m more vulnerable and emotional than I might otherwise be. Although I must say that my emotions are on the surface and for the most part a mystery to me. That’s another reason why it’s difficult to be coherent lately! So I’m thankful for a place and people that accept this.
My pastor told me today that I’m to be like one of the birds of the air (referring to Matthew 6) who doesn’t worry about tomorrow and just takes each day one at a time. This is my life for February.

California!

Now I'm spending the next 11 days in Santa Cruz, CA, as of the 13th. California is kind of a foreign country to me but I can at least speak the language fairly well! Today I went to the beach alone and just walked. I love the beach - the sound of the waves pounding, the coast stretching out before me and fresh salty air. Plus, it's January and I only wore a light jacket. The sun, sand and water are very enticing. I don't know if I'd get tired of it and take it for granted if I lived here but for now it's a real treat.
I'm here through connections in Switzerland. It's funny making connections with other Americans because of who I know in Switzerland! I'm visiting the Coastlands Foursquare church and I feel very welcomed here. I greatly appreciate the warm, relaxed and open atmosphere.
After 2 months of sabbatical/furlough I finally have been able to relax enough to let go and not worry about the future and possible decisions. I can enjoy where I'm at and hopefully receive all that God has for me. It will be interesting to see what God has for me this week. I must say, however, there were days in those first 2 months of my furlough that were very tough. It's easy to say that my identity is in Christ but when all of a sudden you aren't doing what you normally do - we very often have a crisis time. At least I did. Who am I? What am I good at? What do I want to do? What's coming up? Time will tell and it's God's good timing.

Getting back in Touch

I went to college with some of the best people around! Last Friday Lani, my fellow architecture graduate and roommate way back when, gathered those of us available for an impromptu reunion. I was glad to be the reason for some of us to get together. I wasn’t able to attend the 20 year reunion of our Architecture graduating class a year and a half ago because I was in Poland. So it was wonderful to see old friends. Some I hadn’t seen for 15 to 20 years!
And the evening was great! I loved hearing the laughs I’d come to recognize in the Arch. Lab, the bad jokes and the quick banter. Some of the conversations had “older” themes than I remember having before with these people! But I was very encouraged by the time and truly in hysterics at one point.
As I mentioned I was a good excuse to get together. But I think this time together was also to celebrate Joy's return after having been caught in the Tsunami in Puket, Thailand. She thinks she survived just because of dumb luck. But I definitely have a different take on that! Her story is quite amazing.
I'm rejoicing in great friends, laughter, good food and time able to spend together.