Holiday Time

Christmas is basically just a week away! Silly me, I didn't think December would be all that busy. By and large, it was busy with people which is a great thing. I like people!! :) They are the best part of any time of year! I just wish I had the same stamina I used to, but on the other hand, I feel like the time spent is of greater quality.
Oddly enough, it doesn't yet feel like Christmas. Is this because I'm getting older? Is it because the hub-bub of activity right around the holidays is a little overwhelming these days? Or is the feeling still coming?
I'm sure most of us are feeling the economic crunch. I have always enjoyed the gift giving part of the holiday. It's something, I think, I have inherited from my mother! No matter the budget I enjoy the process! I also like that Brian and I don't exchange Christmas gifts. It's kind of odd I think since I'm so about wrapping and opening presents. We might get some stocking stuffer presents, just little things, but otherwise we've decided to spend money on ourselves throughout the year with a vacation or going out on dates! I love that about us!!
Not sure how much I'll blog in the coming days. It's been rather lacking all of December. But I do want to wish you all a Merry Christmas. I pray it's filled with laughter, family, friends and the joy of Jesus.

Wide-eyed Wonder

OK, seriously it's been a REALLY long time since I blogged! I checked out a new blog to me - Emma's Adventures . It's a child's blog so her mom "helps" her out a bit! Quite delightful though as we try to see life through a child's eyes. I wouldn't want to go back in time if you paid me but there is still something of that era worth holding on to. What wide-eyed wonder and enthusiasm! Total abandonment and focus on whatever they are doing.
Me - I can get so distracted. Sometimes it feels like there are a million things running through my head. Nothing much that is profound or probably of any great substance either. Nonetheless, it flits through and I'm distracted, and if anyone were to ask me what some of that stuff was... Well, at this stage of my life who can remember!!
I think guys can generally be more focused than women. As Brian puts it, it can be like ripping velcro to peel him off something he's really focused on to bring his attention to something else! However, male or female, as adults we could embrace a bit more wide-eyed wonder and enthusiasm. At least I could. There is a lot to jade us in life or even just the mundane to bury us in survival mode. Take time for a cup of coffee with a friend! (A shameless promotion of my favorite beverage!) A beautiful sunset (rarely can I enjoy a sunrise - it's before my coffee!) Or take a bit from Emma - put everything aside and do something creative. She likes to paint. And of course there is the joy of a new pair of shoes!! You get the idea! :-)

Shooting!

Tomorrow is a day begging to be shot! I'm getting back to my photography roots. It's been a long time. How did that aspect of me slip away? Actually it's not too much of a mystery but the times they are a changin'! Let's hope I walk away with one or two really good shots!

A Time of Promise

It's been a few days of gray, rain and relative cold. Now today the sun is out and I feel new promise inside. Sometimes I wonder if I would really catch these stirrings in me if I weren't writing, checking in with myself.
There has been a lot of changes in my life the past couple of years - by-in-large very positive! Let's see, a brief list: I got married, moved, got sick (for a year), marched into menopause, left the church I'd been attending for 5 years (still no settling somewhere else) and started a business (now a bit in limbo). My life's "routine" is difficult to pin down and there are aspects that seem to be in "no man's land" that is to say they are unfinished. I'm in the midst of an adventure where it's logical to imagine both blahness and the feelings of hope and promise exist, especially for a woman going through menopause! :)
Today is a good day as everyday is - I'm just able to see it better and experience it more fully in that way! It's OK to be blah. I like this better, though. I just want to be faithful through it all. The promise is before me and I'm moving forward.

Update Report

It's true; I wouldn't say I feel like I did on Wednesday. The blahness is not so acute. No big drive to do something either. Painting has been put aside for the time being, and yet I know when it gets done it will be such a huge relief!
My car still hasn't sold yet. We do so hope to get a good price for it, but as time goes by... In any case, we will see what the Lord has for us. We've had a couple of nibbles but they have changed their minds (for different reasons) even before seeing the car. :(
We also started a 6 week Bible study at a new church. We have moved on from the one we used to attend so a new adventure awaits us. I enjoyed the first meeting and getting to know a few people. We're still not sure exactly where the Lord is leading us but no matter what I look forward to this first step and the people He'll bring across our path.

Blah

There have been some very positive posts, some just informative and others somewhat reflective. You should also know there are very blah days, as well. This is one of them so instead of not writing because there isn't anything 'exciting' to write - I'm letting you know it's a day of blahness (new word) and lack of motivation. After all, you experience days like these, don't you? I guess if you don't - don't tell me! That might slip my blah days to the depression side.
My house is still half painted and let me tell you I am BORED with the painting of molding in particular. I could paint but there again that lack of motivation is kicking in or rather blanketing any desire. I love the results of fresh paint although...at the moment...
General cleaning is needed as we are having guests this weekend, however,...
I did walk over 2 miles today but...
I really think this is a day for the sun, reading and playing! No, probably not with any gusto because I'm too blah, nevertheless...
It is absolutely gorgeous outside, I have to say. That really helps on days like these. I'm so thankful God continually gives us a new day, new possibilities, and the potential for a new outlook! I don't have to be stuck or resigned to anything. Tomorrow is a new day!

Downsizing

Got a new car!! Well, new to us. :) Lately we've been rather consumed with car shopping. What kind of car fits who we are, as a couple? Then, what make of car fits that description? Finally, what's out there and what can we afford? We brought 2 cars into this marriage. Brian - a sports car, a very nice one! Carol - practical, economic car with a little zip or flare, if you will! Saturday we traded in Brian's car for a Nissan Rogue. This week my car gets cleaned up and put on Craig's List. No favoritism here. Both cars are going so we will have one for the both of us.
Part of the reason for our change is something that fits us both. But we also have traveling as a priority. In order to do that we have to downsize and cut some corners to make it financially possible. In life it just seems time and time again that flexibility is the name of the game! I don't mind doing what's necessary for us to travel! I love traveling or at least being somewhere different. We both love the Rogue and are totally satisfied. Yes, we have to keep track of our schedules a bit more with only one car but it's a small price to pay!
We are well cared for!

A Day of Rest

Having been a Christian most of my life or for that matter having grown up in America it seems the concept of a day of rest has always been a part of my existence - the concept not necessarily the reality!
At different points in my life I have tried to implement the concept and take one day a week for 'rest.' Maybe I did a good job maybe I didn't, I don't remember. But I think what's changed now is my idea of work, what it means to rest and why it's a good idea. Subconsciously I think I've found it difficult to completely take time off. "Oh, I can put in a load of laundry. That doesn't take much effort - the machine does most of the work!" Or, because I had slowed down enough in one day I looked around at the cleaning that was needed and thought, "Well, now I have time to do some of that!" Those examples are just a glimpse into my thought processes. With this thinking I could still be productive somehow. It's amazing to me how much "being productive" can drive me, even in little ways. It's sad how that productivity gives me value, in my mind anyway.
I mentioned on Labor Day weekend I did not do one job or task at all on Sunday. The day was a matter of rest and people. Realizing how I had to fight the urge to do "a little something" I decided to really take a day and not do any projects big or small, no errands, or "accomplishments". I'm trying to continue this (without legalism creeping in!). It's only been a short while but I want this to last. For me, it doesn't matter what day I take off, although it usually is either Saturday or Sunday depending on plans. Rest is important and I'm valuable whether I produce or accomplish something or not.
I'm not writing to guilt anyone. I am just personally trying to fight my performance based love concept. God doesn't love me that way, based on what I do. So why should I love myself that way!?

Breathe

Life seems to be full at the moment. More accurately I should say that my heart is full. Nothing so earthshaking or out of the ordinary has happened, except I did go ziplining in the redwoods the other day - what a blast!! Otherwise days have been a mixture of yes, the mundane (!), also people, interior painting (while Brian is painting the railing and staining the deck outside) and relaxing moments that make me breathe a sign of contentment. For example:
The weather has turned glorious here (we are finally having our summer) so on Thursday Brian suggests taking our regular walk on the beach in the evening to see the sunset. To round off a wonderful and spontaneous date night we went a little earlier and got a slice of pizza and a glass of wine at a little hole in the wall place before walking down to the beach for the sunset. After ziplining the next day we came back to the house and enjoyed our "new" deck, watching the moon rise - a full moon even - while talking and eating some munchies. These are sweet moments in life and they make my heart full. Life precludes these moments from happening on a regular and predictable schedule but then that makes me aware of them all the more and appreciate them to no end!

Probably the Funniest Cat Video You'll Ever See

I'm putting this link on my blog, too; just in case someone missed this on my facebook page! It's hilarious!! Enjoy :)



I've have a couple ideas for other posts so stay tuned. ;)

Niggles!?

I very rarely post at the end of a day but there were some impressions I'd like to get down on 'paper'. I was reading (yes, I'm reading books again!) before turning out the light. Although really I was half reading and half reflecting on the day. It had been a quiet, people oriented day with absolutely no productive effort of any kind! So I guess I did have at least one unproductive day this Labor Day weekend. I had thought about 3 different projects or tasks to do but decided against all of them in the end.
It was a wonderful day and while reading / reflecting one of those elusive feelings played at the recesses of my consciousness or maybe I should say it was a niggling in my spirit. It's like a hunger for something, a curiosity, a realization that something is missing but not in a way that causes regret or disappointment rather hopeful anticipation. That feeling is never overpowering and could be passed over without really realizing it's there. For me it is one of the ways that I would describe how God draws me. There was nothing specific about what might be coming, if something was coming or what I should do! Probably because I would only take it over and try to control everything! I must say it's a sweet feeling, leaves me wanting more and yet satisfied in a way. Plus, I do want to live in a way that allows the Lord to direct me on a daily basis so I appreciate the niggling!

Labor Day Weekend

I guess we are taking Labor Day Weekend more literally then it is intended. It's supposed to be a break from our work life. Being 'retired' we 'work' on our own schedule! This weekend we are setting our efforts on painting. There have been projects around the house just waiting for our attention. Brian shouldn't be around paint fumes so he's painting the deck railing, trellis and will stain the deck. Lots of fresh air for him. I'm on the inside trying to finish off (hopefully) the parts that have not been touch yet since we moved in. It's quite a process but we are making progress!
As I was painting today, taking the project in sections, it made me think about how the Lord deals with me and my interior house. Thankfully He hasn't stripped it down to bare bones to make it look fresh and presentable. That would be pretty tough and difficult to survive since so much would have to be ripped out. He is merciful and does me in sections! First the prep work so nothing around the area to be worked on doesn't get damaged. Then layer by layer or coat by coat the old fades away and He has rebuilt, brought new color, and has made that dilapidated section of me beyond presentable!

Processing!

As mentioned before, I'm not an external processor. So why do I blog? Good question! I do enjoy writing and it can help me to put thoughts and feelings into words because I force myself to get it down in black and white. Although as I look at August's postings, I don't see many!!
Life this month has been relatively status quo, but honestly (as revealed by my lack of postings) I think I've been in major inward processing mode due to this financial setback. Naturally, with any change it produces more change. There have been further decisions to make and adjustments to the path I thought I would be taking! I'm pleased with the decisions thus far. I have to say that it has all been rather consuming on one level or another, certainly on my deep internal processing level. I wouldn't say it's been overwhelming but rather an undercurrent that has kept me focused on navigation, even if it's been subconsciously.
Those are the times that it just doesn't work to write. The intensity and/or work of processing just doesn't allow it. Then I do feel overwhelmed or vacant when it comes to writing. Therefore, the lack of posts.
As a side note, sooo glad I married an external processor! I never have to wonder what he's thinking. Plus, there's the added bonus of him drawing me out or at least he provides the open ground and security which enables me to talk whenever I want!!
Here's hoping I get more in a writing groove again! :)

New Week

What does this new week hold? Perhaps this will be a breakthrough week, status quo or conflict. Does anyone really embrace conflict? Typically, I'm rather direct; I'm a - tell you what I think - kind of person. Hopefully, that doesn't mean I'm rude or insensitive. But out-and-out conflict I would really rather avoid, run from even. I wonder if this in part belies a lack of trust in God to some degree. I want healthy boundaries but I can question the lines I draw due to fear of reprisal. Then the reasons for my fear seem to come down to either not trusting God in the situation - isn't it easier to just lie down and smooth things over, or questioning my boundaries - am I being too harsh? Bottom line: I don't like my stomach to churn and I want to act righteously. If you think of it, you can pray for me. This does revolve around the financial and relational setback I mentioned earlier.
I'm getting even more out of the "Church" book the second time. I think it's helping me stay on track regarding the situation I just talked about. At any rate, it gives me things to think about and check myself against.

Choices

It doesn't seem like so much time goes by between these posts! Life is just going on, sometimes in a sweet, laid-back manner and other times by means of pressing through, choosing to leave behind that which does not edify.
I'm still in process of forgiveness and probably will be until the actual situation is completely over. I do look forward to leaving it all behind. I struggle now, too, with letting go of my ideas about how the Lord will continue to take care of us. Of course He will but naturally I have my thoughts about how that could be done! :) I think my ideas are great!! But in my heart of hearts I know that His way really is best. Sure, I'd love to know the specifics! Who wouldn't? I'd like to see the situation redeemed as I think is best. But again, my best so pales in comparison to His best. I really do want to trust Him, and it's not like I feel deprived! He is good.
An acquaintance of mine finishes off her emails, below her signature, with "count your blessings". That phrase can be overused or said in a placating manner so as to affect no response or worse yet - guilt, though honestly it can be truly powerful. As a spontaneous form of worship, I find myself at times thanking God for so many wonderful things. There are times, as well, when I choose to count them to reverse the path of my thoughts. Above all, I thank God for His faithfulness and lovingkindness.

Overdue!

So what's been happening? After a year plus of living in our home, I have the drive, enthusiasm AND energy to make this place really look like a home and feel settled in. I think having our bedroom painted was a great kick start! I'm also re-reading "So You Don't Want to Go to Church Anymore." It's worth another read to let the ideas, concepts and heart behind it sift through me again.
In the last couple of days, there has been a lot of processing going on for me. A rather large financial and relational setback occurred. The few people I've told about it have even called it an injustice. By in large I'm not an external processor. Although I do talk about upsetting things, I also need to pray, analyze some (however, some things are just too incredible - good or bad - to analyze) and just time to let it go. I can't do anything to change it because you can't make someone do something they don't want to! What does not help is re-living the events in my head, playing over the verbal exchanges just to get angry again! No one, including the Lord, said life would be fair. Honestly, I have so much to be thankful for, which has really helped to calm my heart and enable me to forgive. Still working on all of that; it's not completely over because it's a process! :) I'm also thankful that God doesn't want me to be embittered or carry this burden around with me. In Him there is new life ahead, and He is the one who takes care of me. Moving forward day by day, sometimes moment by moment.

Anonymous

Thanks, people, for writing any comments that you do!! I realize it's a pain perhaps to 'sign up' and be a follower and not everyone has a google account. So commenting under 'anonymous' or "name/url" (there you can just type in your name) is great, but I do have one request. Could you at least leave your initials so I can guess who is writing? Of course you don't have to it's just that I might want to follow up on something. Plus, to be honest, it's nice knowing who is checking the site out! :) Thanks!

Ahh, the Mundane!

I know, I know, I've talked about the mundane! Perhaps this time in a little different vein. Today was our first full day of being back home. It was filled with the mundane - laundry, grocery shopping, making dinner, vacuuming and getting our bedroom back in order. It was all wonderful! :) Truly, we had a great 10 days away, seeing family and friends, spectacular fireworks and some awesome summer weather. But being back home, settling in again, was soul relaxing. I love our home (not just the physical place but where we are 'us') so all these activities were comforting and establishing again our place. Loved it!
I hope that I can carry an extra measure of this appreciation through 'regular life.' I am very blessed!

Wrapping It Up

We are about to fly home so our trip is coming to a close. This latter half in Seattle has been gorgeous! I have to say that while in the metropolis of Cosmopolis (!), where we went first, looking out the window I would have thought we were in the middle of our California winter! It was warmer than our winter but rather gray and drippy! :( Ah well, the weather has steadily improved on the trip, even in Cosmopolis. Brian is loving it now at 87 degrees in Seattle.
Getting together with long time friends (please note I did not say 'old' because we aren't!) has been wonderful. It's great when you can just pick up where you last left off even if that was a few years ago. Those kind of relationships are special.
It's been a fine time away, but like the end of most trips the thought of home is a welcome one. My comfy bed and a freshly painted bedroom sound wonderful!

A Blast from the Past

Tonight Brian and I are having dinner with 3 gals I graduated from High School! Truly a blast from the past. One of the gals I probably haven't seen for around 20 years. The other two maybe it's been 8 to 10 years, not sure. Looking forward to the conversations and they all want to meet Brian!
Wow, Seattle is gorgeous - it's supposed to get into the 90's this week! That's hotter than where I live in California!! I love to visit Seattle but I'm very content where I'm living now. Seattle is a GREAT place to be from, :) and therefore visit from time to time. When the sun is out (which is often, people, just not in winter!) there are few places in the world that can rival it's beauty.

The 4th

Well I think my new family is helping me re-live my childhood. WOW do they know how to do fireworks!!!! I don't know if there wasn't enough testosterone or enough money for much of a display as I was growing up. I don't remember, maybe I'm wrong, but I only remember whistling Petes, snakes and some smaller fountains. It was fun yesterday, but OMG fireworks with the Lloyds is 50 levels up, or more. Great fun and good food!!
However, I'm not sure I'm totally accepted by this side of the family or I had my final initiation yesterday. To start the bonfire last night Larry dumped the brickets on the wood. I was in optimal position to receive the ash cloud. I did manage to get out of the way for the second round as he stirred the pot, so to say! My clothes were a bit more subdued in color and of course I looked a little ashen! Initiation over?! :)
Honestly, it was a great time. A long drive home last night but well worth it!

On the Road Again

Brian is looking over my shoulder with - "What are you going to write?" Nothing like pressure! Right now we are at the airport waiting for our flight - it's family time! I have to say after so many years of traveling alone it's great to have a partner. :) He left now to give me some space and to go get me a coffee! His idea!! After all, it is Time for Coffee.
When we return our bedroom and bathroom will be painted! I'm soooo excited. Even though we picked the colors I still can't imagine what it will really be like - hopefully wonderful! We picked the colors a year ago. I trust we will still enjoy the look. I will be doing the upstairs hallway this summer at some point, but the deck comes first. California evenings are wonderful so we want to be able to enjoy them outside by ourselves or with friends. (He's back with my coffee!!) :D
Well now the time for boarding has started so I'm going to wrap up this incredibly long and earthshaking discourse. But I'll be back and just so you know - the coffee is rejuvenating.

Gatherings

Heading into a few weeks of more concentrated family time, both sides. We had dinner last night with my brother and his wife, very enjoyable and relaxing. Brian made his smoked salmon which is always a hit but a special favorite of my brother's. Of course for dessert I slaved away over a fruit tart that we got at Safeway! It was a big hit, too!! :)
In a little bit we'll be having other gatherings as the 4th gets closer. Both our mothers, I think (I hope!), are looking forward to time together, as we are. Holidays are a great way to make specific, special plans to get together. Otherwise, it can be difficult to coordinate everyone, find the time in the daily crunch. Knowing everyone, I'm fairly confident that the only fireworks that will be set off are those intentionally lit by a match!

In reference to my "New Read", I finished the book, truly enjoyed it. One of those books you don't really want to come to an end, at least for me. But the authors had made their point and brought it to a close.

Smiles

I seem to be pushing my time limit of a week - again! Do I have anything to say? Sometimes I wonder.
Life is grand; I can tell you that much. Is everything perfect? Oh no, not really. There are financial setbacks, frustrations and sometimes a seeming lack. But do I really lack anything? A resounding NO! Does life go as "planned"? Hmmm, well not always according to my plan! :)
Although as I get older (and wiser?), I'm more at peace. Life seems a bit simpler as I recognize the elements of life which are of greater importance. Being obsessed with me is not one of those things. That revelation I think is a life long process. The tendrils of "it's all about me" run deep and are intertwined with so many thoughts, attitudes and aspects of my life. I do enjoy cutting them off because it's so freeing. I thank God for helping me see better and the courage to rid myself of those encumbrances. He is good, has an awesome plan and takes such good care of me. (I'm smiling!)

Way Too Much Responsibility

To be a responsible person is commendable trait. I wouldn't put myself in the excessive category but I sure can get things twisted, especially in my relationship with God.
Periodically God reminds me of how I have subtly moved the responsibility of my relationship with Him until it's totally upside down. I fool myself and I don't even realize the roles have reversed. How do I want to be? Dependent on Him, becoming more like HIm, being more fully who I was created to be and available to Him. Too often I find myself doing all the 'work'. I make it about my work - legalism. "We are not changed by the promises we make to God, but by the promises he makes to us."

A New Read

It's been awhile - a long week for me. Not feeling all that well, but I won't go into that here!
So I'm reading a book that was handed to me out of the blue. The topic was not out of line for my recent journey in life, however. What is the title, you ask? So You Don't Want to Go to Church Anymore. It's actually a fictional book which surprised me a bit. There are other books on different movements, I.e. house churches but it's not a discourse on that or how to start the next movement! Rather, it's one man's fictitious journey of learning how to live a life really walking with God regardless of institutions, the next movement or playing the game of man's approval. I'm not finished yet but want to keep reading it all the time. The trouble is I can't because there is so much to take in that I can't process it fast enough to just continue reading. So far it's very intriguing and eye-opening. Although not new (written in 2006) I'd never heard of it and I'm a little surprised. It brings some very interesting points to light and others, which supposedly I already know, are presented from a new perspective, starting new pathways of thought. I appreciate the challenge to old ways of thinking and the status quo.
I'm curious to see how i will feel at the end of the story and where God will lead me.

Creativity vs. The Mundane

,It sounds like a boxing match! If it were, I'd imagine creativity as that sublime movement of grace that packs power. It's almost like it happens in slow motion as people are awed by the simultaneous beauty and raw power. Even if boxing can be distasteful to you (certainly to me) the artistry of those kind of movements cannot be denied. Whereas, the mundane is the brutal, relentless pounding that beats the opponent into submission. There is no finesse, only muscle bound prowess that needs admiration.
A friend of mine told me that if creativity didn't take effort it would just be mundane. (This came up because I was complaining that creativity took so much effort!) The mundane for me are things like laundry, going over the budget, cleaning and food prep. All very important endeavors, necessary even, but not thrilling or fulfilling on a soul level. Often they are something to power through and too often they get the best of me. I'm beat afterwards. There's nothing left to give in the creative arena. However, that is not my whole life. That may be one or two days of my week - being too tired for anything else, but I state now that I want to move through to the sublime. How does that work? How often will that happen? I pray for God's agenda through my days and the courage to make the effort!

Creativity

Creativity is a process, a stress reducer, and by in large very rewarding. My question is - why does it seem to take so much effort, too much of the time, to get into the process? Sometimes, it seems like it produces more stress to get to the point of beginning to relieve it! Perhaps I'm just out of the habit? Concentrated effort isn't a bad endeavor!

Simple Life

At the moment, my life is very simple! No complaints. :) Yet there is still something I want to do; I just don't know what it is. Have you ever had that feeling of longing/ache/excitement when you hear of someone else starting up something they've always wanted to do, or following a dream? That feeling doesn't always strike me because those things can happen fairly regularly. But it happened to me listening to Ellen Degeneres when she said she had started a record label. That does not appeal to me in the least! And yet, the feeling struck me. She's already doing so many things but somehow this was different. I'm not doing so many things, nor am I a celebrity! However, my goal is not to do a lot but rather something purposeful, fun and made just for me!!
I've been a business woman (architect), a missionary (although they say once a missionary always a missionary), worked for a business and started a business. What's next? Now I'm in this semi-retired position which I love. I'm flexible, able to go on trips when money allows, meet with people and relax. Of course I thought some of this relaxing time would be spent writing, drawing and/or photographing. I'm not doing much of any of that! Hmmm. Am I lazy? i probably need more of a routine. All of those things are still very exciting to me. What's wrong? Or is anything really wrong - maybe I just need to make different choices through the day.

What have you been reading?

How did I get out of the habit of reading? I know being sick for so long just made me feel blah and without any routine, but I think it happened even before that. Perhaps dating and planning a wedding also had some influence on that. Reading used to be such a large part of my life, as my bookcases testify. I remember the feeling of having just lost some dear friends after finishing a well written book. It's a good feeling to have enjoyed a book so much. I am in the middle of a couple of books but they're just not getting finished, one technical and one a murder mystery. I have just read 2 books with a spiritual dimension and application. I appreciated having something to incorporate into my morning routine with breakfast. Let alone the fact that they were valuable and made me think about different aspects of my life.
Brian also loves books so it isn't that I have nothing around to choose from. I just need to pick one! I think this is one more way that God is moving me into being a bit more purposeful again. I love the sudoku and all :) but it's value and enhancement properties are limited! Any suggestions for a great read?

Standards

Wow! I play a lot of sudoku. I enjoy the challenge and am somewhat addicted to beating my own time, or rather attempting to constantly lower my average. I wouldn't say I was a particularly competitive person, but I am compelled to out do myself. I guess this discourse goes back to what defines me.
It does not pain me to defer to others! :) Yet, I certainly have my opinions and for the most part am more than willing to share them! Unfortunately, I think I too often hold up a standard (my standard) to others, although they may not know it. My memory can favor me over time, to the detriment of others. I forget the havoc I used to wreak in my brokenness. I'm still broken and therefore am unaware of the damage I still can do. I would define myself as a laid back person, but is a gracious response toward others as prevalent as I'd like to think? Hmmmm...

Another Outing!

It's Saturday today and I've had the usual wonderful, relaxed Saturday morning. :) I'm also looking forward to an outing to Sacramento; we leave tomorrow. I must admit that Sacramento is not typically a desirable, sought after destination! We are going up for a "Night to Honor Israel." We hope to catch part of a street fair in the afternoon, go to the evening event of speakers and music, and we'll stay the night. It's always good to 'get out of Dodge' on occasion. No matter how great 'Dodge' is. Our outing should be relaxing, time just for us and an opportunity to see and experience some new things. I love that Brian finds all kinds of different activities to go and do. Not only does he find the things but he makes all the arrangements. I get to just enjoy the adventure! Love that guy named Bri!

Isolationist Tendencies

Yesterday I mentioned briefly that I had had some isolationist tendencies of late. Once that direction is entertained, it seems so easy to just remain blah and non-relational. On Sunday Brian and i went out to a movie and for a drink. Neither one of us were feeling THAT great and I was more than willing to let it go, but he pushed for it. I was so glad. It was good to get out and do something a little out of the ordinary. Despite that outing, I still had to push through on Monday. Instead of us doing our own things, we spent the better part of the day together talking. No, not because there were issues to be worked out, but just engaging, being known. I chose to interact rather than be in my head. I think it made a big difference.
God uses people. He is definitely relational. In my heart of hearts, I don't really want to be separated from the flock and picked off by the wolf. I want to stay close so I need to pay attention to where the gang is - the Shepherd and the sheep.
After thought: I should really say that I need to ask for attention - let people know where I am at.

Time to Write

I hear tell that I have an avid reader who has 'explained' that if one has avid readers they should not have to wait a week in between postings! I'm at 5 days so the pressure is on!! Plus, I already blew it with her yesterday so I don't want to rock the boat. (HI :-) )
It's been a rather disconcerting 5 days, actually. I felt sort of blah, unmotivated, with isolationist tendencies. No great spiritual revelations (which of course happen on a regular basis!); it's been cold and rather dreary (for California) and I've just been off. In British speak if something is off, it means it's gone bad like milk spoiling. Maybe that's been appropriate for the situation, but you should ask my husband.
I can't attribute it to anything particular, except maybe hormones. (Why were those such a good idea, God? They only seem to get us into trouble - in various forms.) At any rate, even though life can have it's ups, downs and flat-lining moments, I just have to keep breathing because God is carrying me through even if I can't perceive it, understand it or rejoice in it. I guess that movie quote was for me just a bit in advance. No, I haven't been in dire or straining circumstances nevertheless, I find myself closer to the top of my hole. I believe that if we truly don't want to be left where we are, then God will bring us out. It may not be in the way we'd like, or to the place that we think is right but He won't leave us to ourselves. For that I'm thankful and must consciously remember.

Profound?

I'm Pro being 'found.' Sorry, that was a groaner; I know. I couldn't resist since I'm not feeling very profound.
Ever have one of those days? The weather was good, slept well, great conversations, coffee intake normal and yet... It's not a bad day but something is missing, missing in me. Thank goodness, tomorrow is another day. I have a new beginning tomorrow, a new perspective and new emotional input. Here's to tomorrow!

Definitions

I've been reading a book that delves into our Jewish roots, giving a full and richer perspective for my faith in Jesus. I'm not necessarily looking to write about all of that today but a comment in the book struck me that I'd like to ponder a little more personally. It talked about the various feasts the Jews celebrate throughout the year which remind and define who they are as a people.
I agree that each people group does have a certain "definition." However, I wondered what defines me as a person. I hope that gratitude and faith are two qualifiers. With some certainty, I would add humor and an easy going nature. Of course I have my trigger points, as well. Injustice is one of them. I think this is true of a lot of Americans but it can get twisted, too! (Hence, the large number of lawsuits!) Have me drive a car and I'm not quite as laid back as I might seem in other circumstances!!! :-)
Bottom line I hope I'm a safe person for others. Any other thoughts from those of you - "out there"?

Great Movie Quote

Well, last night I added another new movie line to my memory banks. The quote isn't new because the movie isn't but it struck me last night as I was watching "The Two Towers" for the second time. The situation - Aragorn, Legolas and Gimli, the dwarf, are literally running (for days) to catch up with the Orcs, who have taken Merry and Pippen as captives. Gimli, with shorter legs, is having to work the hardest to keep up and keep going. At one point he is repeating to himself, "Just keep breathing. Breathing is the key! Keep breathing."
There are times in life when that's the best advice. The situation isn't necessarily going to change any time soon. I/we are doing what we can so - just keep breathing. Back to the basics! For me, I have to remember that God still, really is in control and I just have to keep breathing; it's the key to moving forward.

A Slower Day Today

Yesterday was about people with some business thrown in! Today is about projects around the house both mundane and more exciting, like some finishing touches for the look of the place. It's great to finally be looking at those fun things after having been sick and unmotivated for such a long time.
Today, while reading and enjoying my breakfast with coffee, I felt a faint stirring in my heart. No specifics to that stirring that I can delineate but an awaking of sorts. I really have been out of "life" for the past year plus. I returned from my honeymoon with mono, even though supposedly one is immune to it after the age of 30! Although I did do some things periodically I was pretty much out of commission for over a year. Perhaps that's why I needed my "Bird Month" (see April postings) to begin to collect myself again, to find out where I was after that much time had passed. Now on day 6 of May, I believe the Lord is lighting a path with just a few sparks. I trust there will be more illumination in the future. At the moment I'm content with the small glimmer I have felt. If I had more right now I'd probably just feel overwhelmed and tired! The Lord knows and that's enough for me.

What's Next?

Curious - since 'Bird Month' is over? Me too! I can say that at least one thing has remained consistent through the time. I still would like to investigate further the idea of volunteering at the Public Library to help adults learn to read. They do give some training which would be very helpful so that's on the list to check out.
Thankfully, I don't feel pressure to rush into something and 'get busy' now that it is May. Making decisions with with those kind of feelings as motivators does not usually lead to wise, healthy choices. I continue to trust that I will hear which way to go, to the right or to the left. (Isaiah 30:21)

In the Present

Unfortunately I can be dragged, enticed or manipulated away from the present, living in the moment. As "They" say - there's no time like the present. Of course that statement is about taking action now rather than later. A fine idea for many things but my thought for this post revolves around a different aspect.
Currently I find myself in a very contented state. Honestly, I feel very blessed and am thankful for a long list of things on a daily basis. At the moment, I feel at rest inside and out. I enjoy the flexibility of my days and I revel in the life-long partner God has given me in Brian. And yet... just yesterday as I was thinking about my many blessings the thought crept in - sometime this is bound to end. Something will happen that will bring challenges, struggles and who knows what else.
It's true, life happens. Death happens and everything in between. It's all a part of life. There are innumerable challenges that MIGHT happen. However, the truth is that none of that is happening to me right now. So why go there? There is no reason other than the enemy trying to taint what God has for me today. "Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own." (Matt. 6:34) It's very clear that God wants us to live in the present. He will help me through each day as I allow HIm to. ! cannot appropriate the grace ahead of time for future challenges, for tomorrow, especially if I don't even know what's coming!
I want to be thankful today that my 'troubles' are minimal. Rejoice in what God is doing and stay in the present. It can be easy and/or in a sneaky manner that other worries come in. So I'm just saying that I don't want to be robbed of ANY joy and will be diligent in thought to 'protect' my 'present'. After all, God gives good 'gifts'! :-)

New Look

Finally a new look for this blog! It's been fun updating and trying to make 'customized' changes. The page isn't quite how I'd like it but as most things, including myself, it's a work in progress.

Saturday Mornings

There is something so sweet about Saturday mornings and it's not because the breakfasts are special. Most often I have the usual - yogurt and granola. I think it's in part because I can feel the collective sigh around the area. For me there's no rush to get out of bed, the pace of the day just automatically feels slower and the coffee is even better, if that's possible!
My bird month is almost over. Next Saturday is May 1st! (Can't believe it!) There's a little twinge in my stomach - What's going to happen? What am I going to DO? But now is not the time to decide. I want to trust that the right thing(s) will come along and I will hear God say which way to go. I certainly feel blessed not to feel pressure, however, I do want the full experience of the adventure God has for me.

"Bird Month"

Awesome day at the beach yesterday! Perhaps a little too much fun since I'm unnaturally pink/red today. It was wonderful to relax and enjoy the early summer weather, though. No regrets!

April is my "bird month" as I've dubbed it. It's in reference to the scripture Matthew 6:26. For me this means no major life decisions or purposeful intent upon a certain direction. (Not that that is what the scripture necessarily is telling us!) It's a time to pray, investigate and information gather about various possibilities. I've had one other "bird month" before in my life - Feb. 2005. I was on furlough from the mission field and my pastor declared it for me. I was in process of determining if the Lord wanted me to return to the mission field. But my pastor said it was time to let that go and just be - for a time. It was a good exercise and took a lot of pressure off of me. There have been temptations to head off in a particular direction but I've determined to wait. I don't want to get caught up in something for the wrong reasons or just out of sheer momentum. Whatever He has will still be waiting for me!

Interesting Read

"It is time for faith that fears inaction, not failure." Organic Church by Neil Cole

New Adventures vs. The Past

Why do new adventures seem to drag our thoughts and perspective to the past? Oh, the exhilaration at first keeps everything at bay - the exhilaration of a new plan, ideas and future. But implementing those ideas, formulating that plan has caused me to remember the past. It's not that I have any regrets which I'm very thankful for but the past is not failure free! "They" say you learn more from your failures than your successes. OK. That seems reasonable, true even. Yet at the moment my failures bring doubt, perhaps not paralysis but certainly not fluid movement or momentum.
I would love to be a part of a small, healthy, balanced fellowship - do I dare say 'church' of an unconventional form. Yet as a missionary church planting didn't go exactly as I had hoped. I guess it's time to evaluate. What was good and what wasn't. God's Word does not return void. God did work and continues to in Poland. Maybe evaluation isn't what I need but just greater reliance on Him. It is amazing and sad what we/I can do 'for the Lord' without the Holy Spirit. It's not all bad but is it as effective as He could do? For me right now, I think it's important to keep the pressure off myself. Pressure even from myself only makes me 'do the effort'. I just want to walk behind the Holy Spirt as He moves and works.

back in the saddle?

Well, It's ONLY been a little over 4 years since I've written! With that in mind, I doubt anyone will even be reading this because I dropped off the face of the earth. I didn't actually. Not even sure why I'm writing now, but why not? Perhaps this will help me process in any case.
Now I find myself in this place of great contentment. I don't have all the answers, unsure what the future holds and I think I'm ready for the adventure. My husband, Brian, and I have already passed our first anniversary and are very glad we took that first year for ourselves. No big commitments outside of ourselves, taking the time to establish our relationship. I have to say, marriage (at least to Brian) is so much better than I ever imagined! God is good!
We both feel like this is a year of adventure. (Can't believe it's already mid April.) Adventures aren't always smooth but they are exciting! First and foremost we want to be about people. They can certainly be an adventure!
I'm not going to go on and on now. I'll give some recaps of the past time and updates. I hope this becomes somewhat regular again. Time will tell.